Dangit, look similar, sound different but...
Posted by han2, Nov 16 2010, 05:57 PM in jokes
Dearest creature in creation,
Here are some English pronunciations.
Follow these verses if you will.
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
some amusing impact absorbers messages.
Posted by han2, Nov 16 2010, 05:56 PM in jokes
* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Keep honking...I'm reloading.
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* Driver Carrys no cash - He's Married
* All generalizations are false.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* I brake for no apparent reason.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* No radio - Already stolen.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Caution: I drive like you do.
the dim, the dimmer, and the "creative" ones.
Posted by han2, Nov 16 2010, 05:56 PM in jokes
Grade change form
Date:
Dear Professor,
My grade in ____ should be raised from _____ to ____ because:
1. There must be a mistake somewhere.
2. I was not well at the time of the examination.
3. My mind always goes blank during an examination.
4. This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.
5. This is the only course in which I received a poor grade
6. This mark grieved my mother (or Father). whose pride I am.
7. Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.
8. The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject
9. I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.
10. I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.
11. I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give to one of the other sections.
12. Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.
13. The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.
14. I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do an who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student - you just ask any one of them.
15. The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.
16. Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.
17. I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question
18. I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students
19. At the time of the exam, I was suffering from a severe case of cognitive dissonance and was incapable of coping with the stress of the hour.
20. It is not a higher mark I seek; I care nothing about marks; I think marks are wicked and I disapprove of them. However, this pernicious system of which I am a victim requires marks for achieving success and therefore, I seek a higher mark.
Thank you,
Name:
on This baby keeps on tickin.