This month has been the most excited month in my journey of life. Like a roller coaster, it stirred me up and at first I tended to try and compromise. But then I realized it is better to get any worries out in the open and discuss them than to pretend that nothing is the matter. It may seem as though a spiritual force is guiding the way things turn out.
My life is waiting, so I'll make sure that I'll jump on board this week. So goodbye AF blog!!
No. It's not about writing things...
Separating fact from fiction is an issue I need to deal with sometimes. Iím normally a very direct and straightforward person. My friends said I value truth and honesty but sometimes Iím in the situation where I donít wanna face the facts, especially when itís related to a close friend. Yeah, I must admit that.
Once my best girl-friend told me that someone I knew well wasnít as good, compassion, wise and perfect as I thought since she had experienced the dark side of him. I didnít buy it. Then several friends came to me with unpleasant experiences. Still I didnít buy it. I thought this person could be positioned as one of the heroes in sort of fictions. So I keep sticking on my own judgment and ignored the others.
Today, I know I was wrong. I witnessed some unfairness he did to the others. Yet I canít tell him my fullest opinion straight on his face. I know a good friend is a friend who tells you when you go wrong, and not just when youíre right. The thing is, even though Iím straightforward, I just couldnít let the feeling go easily cause I wanted to keep the fiction livelonger (I just told him not even half of my opinion, assuming he would catch the whole essence, and it failed). But when it was too late and things were getting worst, I gave up and left in a disappointment.
So there, I've decided. I left my friend. Not that itís easy. I just donít see any point in keeping my relationship with someone who canít value itself. See, I may not have given much conscious thought to my intrinsic value system, but could encounter an event that will bring my deepest philosophy of life into question. (Whatís life actually?)
I should keep in my mind that the real truth will come to light sooner or later and that I will have to deal with it then. And I do hope someday my friend realizes there are worthier things in life than what heís doing now.
Iíve been thinking lately that people may have 100% contentment once in a while but never thought they get it everyday through out their lives til I watched Oprah show. Coz I feel like I do not have quite the degree of control over my life that I should have. I should reach it first to get my 100% percent, shanít I?
Events seemed to occur in ways that foil my best-laid plans and yet bring results that I could never have dreamed of. Right after getting promoted to the news division, I was very satisfied and felt 100% contentment. All was good, my colleagues, my job-desk and schedule and plans. One month later it decreased to 70% and now after 3 months itís only 50% of contentment. OhÖwhile Iím writing this, suddenly I realizedÖthis is like a circle. Itís dejavuÖ
I meanÖI was in marketing division and Ďtwas all good in the beginning till my intellectual needs roared. Not that you donít need brain in marketing. But keeping your sales record by ďdeceivingĒ clients (aka white lies) with ratings and all that, it just sucked my brain out.
First time I got my first clients, Ďtwas like riding a roller coaster. My adrenaline at the highest level, I was ecstatic and thrilled, and by the end of the days after all the upside-downs and head over heals; I slept tight with smile on my face. YeahÖ100% contentment. That was what I thought. It didnít last forever though. So I asked to leave. And now in my new place itís happening again. Hello!! Where are this 100% going??
I took my first 30 minutes walk 2 days ago as one of my new yearís resolution, Ďliving the life healthierí, which I did just 3 months after new year. I walked on foot from my house to the traditional market in the morning. It took me 5 minutes by car but 15 minutes on foot. I just know that the market is on the eastern part, and considering the Pythagoras law about the shortest way to reach my destiny, I picked labyrinth-like route: Go straight-go left-go straight-go right-go leftÖand so on.
Walking is also the best way for contemplation. Itís the cheapest exercise I know. I crossed the rural area Iíve never been to before and saw several unique tiny but well architecture houses. I walked on the narrow streets at the backyards and could hear someone singing in the bathroom and water splashing. Some mothers with babies gathering before the warung, and talking nonsense. Some old men (a retirement troops, perhaps) sat around the corner and sipping coffees. Getting nearer to the market place, I saw becak men sleeping under the trees and I passed the newspaper-stand guarding by an old grandma. I dropped by and bought a magazine. She gave me a warm smile. Perhaps I was her first consumer that day. I wonder how they live with minimum wage. Seemed they had no troubles in their simplicity. Of course I know thereís none are trouble-free in life, however.
Several days ago I said in my blog I had everyoneís dream job. But 100% contentment doesnít only live in it. Maybe some of us have too much to ask while the others grateful for tiny things they have. Maybe to reach that 100% contentment through out my life is just stop full of beans and make a change. Yet my honey ever said it is best to be patient and instead just surrender to the flow of life. Itís dejavu again coz just like a wise line I read today: ďLet life happen, and don't try to force it to conform to your wishes.Ē
Not my nature, bu Iím trying to do so. Whoa! I have so much to learn! Buzz off!
...just when I had a thought of it, my colleague forwarded me this e-mail
Short but formal...
A bit formal...
I'm gonna pick this one
So there I sat down in the meeting room, with 25 people around, at 5.30pm in the afternoon. All in black excluding me, and I felt doomed. God must have been fooling me. Counted on my last self-confidence, which could save me from being stupid and rigid, I sat next to my manager, hoping his big body could hide me from my boss sight. Of course at the same time I knew it was brainless coz every boss sit on the head of the desk, so they can see you all. Yes, he saw me. And the meeting began with an up-to-the-minute agenda ďWhy do you black-less?Ē
Me: I forgot that today is Monday (yeah itís just plain stupid but Iím honest)
Boss: You sound joking. (Looking around and found some men wearing jackets) You donít wear black too underneath the jackets? Open up your jackets and let me see it.
(Next time Iíll wear a jacket and Iíll be save thanks to the law of sexual harassment in office)
Boss: Listen up all of you. I donít wanna back you up if HRD calls me just because you guys disobey the regulation of uniform. Or if the security head throws you out.
(Ehmm..He didnít know that security head is one of my best buddy. My boss astonishingly looked at my managerís uniform. Btw, my manager is a military freak. And he wore some pins on his chest that day. Freak, I know)
Boss: Itís a funny contra. Some people donít wanna wear uniform, but some other wears it superfluously.
Me: But bossssssÖI JUST forgot that this is Monday! Thatís it. Iíve no oter reason! (with high tone in every line)
Manager: I got these ones through sweat and starvation in the forests. (touched his pins with dignity)
Producer: ..and a box of instant noodles, I reckon.
Boss: ..and anti-mosquito lotion.
Manager: Okay, are you satisfied now?
(I loved my manager for putting me on the spot-less yesterday)
Ö.I canít believe I could not recall that today is Monday! I went sleeping quiet fast than usual last night, and I thought it was enuff for my brain to work properly in the morning. But I was wrong. Everything seemed alrite until I arrived at the office and found out everyone in black! Yes, black everywhere --I mean a black uniform that we should wear on every Monday and Thursday! And I forgot the rule.
This obligatory began 2 months ago and I think it was stupid in the first place. Black affects you. Yes. I figured this out in the evening meeting last week. We were all looked in grieve, like someone had just died terrifically, and we gathered for a commemoration instead of discussing future agenda, and my producer said he needed something fresh for his eyes. Everyone seemed spirit-lost.
Anyway, Iím wearing a purple skirt under my pink coat. This color is so not suitably among the blacks, though itís eye-candy. The good side is: Iím now the merrier and the fairest in the room. Bad side: Iím hiding from the securities. Luckily Iím a good friend of several of them. But what will happen if my big boss sees me this afternoon? Iím kinda anxious about it. Maybe I should borrow my other department friendís uniform. Or maybe I just skip the afternoon meeting. But alas! My colleague has just sms me, and she said she was sick. Thereís no other way to escape
If I don't come back for my next report in the blog, it means "me & detention" for the next title.