I'm a real unforgiving person and I tend to grudge on for like... EVER. My grudges are so deep that I am at a point in my life where I feel pretty pathetic for being so bitter. After studying a chapter in MasterLife about forgiveness, I took it upon myself to make a list of all the people I have ever wronged in the past and all the people who have wronged me. Some of the people I listed I don't even know where they are located now. Looking through my list, these names weren't just embedded letters in my memories. These names are reminders that revealed my true identity (sugar-coated evil) and these names helped steer me towards who I am now.
In this list was a guy who I had thought was the coolest dude ever back when I was a teenager. He was like that type of guy that all the girls wanted and sucked up to. He was the guy who called the shots. He was the guy who determined who's cool and who's not simply by talking to that person or not. But I didn't like him because of his popularity. I just thought he was cool because he was nice to me. Most guys at that time treated me like a kid or something, but he... He talked to me in a way that allowed me to feel normal. And as soon as everyone saw him talking to me and was actually hanging around with me at some Hmong New Year, it was like I was IN their COOL CLUB or some $hit. LOL. After that, all these guys who used to talk smack about me wanted my phone number. Girls who thought I was ugly all of a sudden liked my fashion sense.
Weeks later, all of that changed. My b!itch@zz cousin spread awful rumors about me and it got around to him. He confronted me and told me to never talk to him again. I do have to say that I was an emotionally weak person back then. My world felt like it was crumbling down and my pathetic self cried over it. I wanted to make things right and clear $hit up. I wanted to run up to him and say, "Winner, that is NOT TRUE!" But no, I sulked it in, having no idea who was the perpetrator. Ever since then, I felt extremely uncomfortable whenever I saw him. At the same time, I resented him because his perspective of me set the trend for the rest of his little followers. For the next two years, I dealt with threats, prank calls, and the cold shoulder. I don't even know how I was able to cover it up without my parents ever finding out that I was being bullied and harrassed. Teenagers at my church also hated me. It got so bad to the point where I stopped going to church because they'd give me the stink eye and purposely talk $hit about me while in the same room with me as if I wasn't there.
Once I understood the game, I dated a real popular guy by the nickname "Bustee" because of his breakdancing skills. Just like that, everyone was nice to me again. All those b!tches who hated me and pranked called me took pictures with me. All the guys who ignored my existence started to greet me with respect. Lame, dude. LOL. Even with their fake niceness and me dating a hot guy sealing my place in the 'IN' group, I was paranoid, constantly looking over my shoulder for anyone ready to backstab me. I, in turn, became something else. I grew shallow and I dated several guys at the same time just because I knew I could. It was like my way of lashing back at everyone that I'm not a nobody.
Even though I've turned into a mean-spirited person, I believe deep down inside I was still that same old me. I do feel what happened changed the way I made friends and how I treated them. I don't really open up to friends and I am usually prepared to be disappointed.
Last year, my church members hosted a Christian Revival event. I was the MC. To my utter shock, I saw him there! I was like, "WTF? He's a Christian now???" LOL. I had been away from home for so long that I forgot that as I change, so do other people. My heart pounded like crazy and I pondered whether or not to greet him. I chose not to. Later as I was leaving the cafeteria, I bumped into him on the staircase. $hit $hit $hit $hit, I thought to myself, "HeyYy Madie!" He said with that smile of his. I stopped and said hi back to him then went on my way. He said HI to me!!!! I thought. LOL. I guess I'm still the same.
I would really like it if I talk to him about it. I know it's been almost 10 years since all that drama and I should just forget about it, but the fact remains that I'm scarred for life. I still struggle trusting people. Seeing him and his little followers still make my stomach twist. I'm sure that to him, I was like a nano-second in the timeline of his life. But to me, what happened created a hole as deep as the canyons and I haven't yet fully played a new tune. I'm a skipping record. =) Any ways, I don't plan on talking to him about it. I'll just pray that we remain friendly strangers as how we are right now.
And oh yeah, about my b!tchass cousin, she's on my list too.
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