The Survivor, my newest story =] Options

[Mun-Mun]

My newest story that apperently was requested. =]

Chapter 1
Mandy looked at herself in the mirror and saw nothing but a simple girl. She began to slowly walk over to her bed and lied on her bed, thinking 'Why do I have to be me? Why do I have to live this life? Why can't I just be someone else?' Her mother's shattered voice approached her ears and she immediatly got off her bed and walked down the hall to the kitchen.
"What took you so long? Sit down." Her father's voice attacked her as soon as she walked through the door. Without even a respose she sat down and poked at her runny eggs.
"Honey, don't forget your lunch money." Her mother told her, with her father's glares towards Mandy.
"Do you know how much money we would save if we didn't have you?" Her father dropped his newpaper and looked at Mandy, waiting for a response.
"John!" Mandy's mother yelped.
"What? Do you have something to say to me?" John Jamison stood up and slowly walked towards Mandy's mother; his wife.
"No, no of course not." Elaine backed up in fear of her husband, seeing her daughter's glares.
"I'm going to school, where's Brian? I'll drop him off." Mandy inturrupted before her father did anything to her mother.
"Brian!" Mandy's brother walked out from his room; ready for school.
"And where were you? You were going to be late." His father questioned.
"Sorry dad. I-I was brushing my teeth." Brian looked at his feet and didn't dare to look up.
"Come on Brian, let's go before we're late." Mandy grabbed Brian's arm and walked out the door. They began to walk down the street when Mandy heard a horn from behind. 'Oh no; please just drive past us.' She thought to herself.
"Brian, walk faster."
"Why? I think those guys know you."
"Now. Come on." Mandy pulled Brian faster and faster as the car increased in its speed also.
"Mannnnnn-dyyyyyyyyy." The yells from the car got louder and louder as it apporoached Mandy and her little brother.
"What."
"Ohh, are you going to be that mean to me?" The boy said sarcastically.
"You're right, I should be meaner." Mandy pulled her brother's arm and walked quicker. It was no use since the boys were in a car and they just went faster and faster. Mandy let go of her brother's arm and looked towards the car with a cold stare.
"Come on now; I know you love me." The boy said; emphisizing on love.
"Yeah, in your dreams. Get lost Shawn."
"Come on Mandy; I just want everything back to the way it was." Shawn said sweetly.
"Yeah? Well I don't." Mandy replied coldly.
"How abouts I give you two a ride to school, to home, to where ever."
"No thank you." Mandy began walking with Brian again.
"Mandy, just get in. Before something bad happens."
"Shawn, get lost."
"Mandy, get in damn it." Shawn's voice got serious too fast. Mandy began to run with Brian at her side. The car sped after Mandy, to Brian's school where Mandy dropped her brother off first.
"Mandy!" Brain yelled as Mandy let go of his hand and began to run the opposite way.
"Brian, just get in the school. I don't want you hurt." Mandy walked closer and held her little brother.
"I don't want you hurt either."
"I can handle these guys, just go." Mandy pushed her little brother towards the school as she walked towards the car, towards the window.
"You going to get in?" Shawn questoned.
"Nah; I know this car's just gonna go to hell." Mandy smiled one of the fakest smiles and leaned back.
"We're not bad guys Mandy." Shawn kid with 3 guys laughing in the back.
"And I didn't break up with you." The boys in the back began to snicker as they heard the ex-couple's conversation.
"Mandy, don't make me mad. You know what happens when I'm mad."
"I should; it's why I broke up with you." Mandy said as she leaned in closer to Shawn.
"You know what? I'm mad." Shawn crept his hand to his back and pulled out a gun. He brought it closer to Mandy but before she knew it it was shot. It wasn't at her; it was at her brother.


This is just something I started so tell me if it's good and if I should continue. But in the end it's a love//action story thing so don't think it's like full of blood. But comments on this story would be nice. It would make me add more.

This post has been edited by Mun-Mun: Dec 12 2006, 06:15 PM

[lllanyalll]

OMG O_O.... kepp going as I need to know what happens to the kid.. thx ^_^

[stigmatopeople]

nice start mun.. keep it up.

uhmmmm..

[Mun-Mun]

OMG O_O.... kepp going as I need to know what happens to the kid.. thx ^_^

LOL. Well the more comments and the more people reading, the more I'll post. =]

nice start mun.. keep it up.

uhmmmm..

um... thanks... sometimes I wonder if you actually read. But it's still nice to know that I have people who actually read and comment.



Chapter 2
"BRIAN!" Mandy yelled with tears rolling down her eyes already. Mandy ran to her brother lying on the ground; covered in his own blood. She lift him up and lied his head on her leg as she screamed for help. Dozens of children and teachers ran out for help.
"Let's go guys." Shawn ordered. The car crept away silently as the ambulance and police sped past them; without a clue. The paramedics rushed to Mandy and Brian.
"What happening to him?" Mandy said in between her sobs.
"Miss, calm down."
"CALM DOWN?! My baby brother who's in the THIRD grade was just shot!" Mandy yelled.
"Yes but we can't tell you unless you calm down."
"Just tell me...please." Mandy begged with tears rolling down her face.
"He was shot in the stomach, he may or may not live. It's unclear right now." The paramedic said calmly. Mandy brought her face down to her hands and held the tears in her palms. 'No, this can't be happening.' She thought. As the ambulance approached the hospital the sirens stopped and the crowd of nurses' voice was like an alarm to Mandy. She stepped out into the bright sun and ran on the side if the bed that held her brother.
"Miss you're not allowed in there."
"What? He's my brother."
"They're operating on him, you're not allowed in there."
"Just..just let me see him one more time."
"I'm sorry, we're not allowed to do that." The man walked away as Mandy's parents ran to her.
"What the hell happened?" Her father yelled.
"Bri-Bri-Brian got-got sh-sh-sh-sh-shot." Mandy said whlie still crying her eyes out.
"What? No. NO!" Her mother yelled as she sat down with her head in her hands.
"Mom, I didn't mean for it t-"
"You were suppose to watch your brother. You good for nothing little peice of $hit!" Mandy's father slapped her right across the face. The roar of his voice turned heads and shocked everyone. Mandy looked around, seeing everyone's eyes on her and her father. She wanted to hit back; to just for once defend herself. She stood up and for when she wanted to hit him back the doctor came out. She turned to him and waited as he walked closer and closer to them.
"Is this the Jamison family?"
"Yes. Is Brian alright?" Mandy's voice sprang before anyone else's.
"Well he's in critical condition but he should live. He was shot in the stomach but it was too close to the heart and he's still on the verge of...making it or not." The doctor's eyes filled with sorrow as he looked down to the ground.
"Can I see him?" Mandy asked; not wanting her parents there.
"Well he probabely can't handle all of you. Only ONE of you should go in for today at least."
"Thank you doctor." Mandy said as she watched the doctor walk away.
"Let's go." Her father signaled her mother and walked towards the room.
"WAIT! I want to see him first."
"Haven't you done enough?" Her father asked in a harsh tone.
"You're blaming my little brother getting shot on me? It's not like I held the gun. It's not like I wanted this to happen. I'm the only one who cares about him; let me see him." Her parent's glares came hard on her.
"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" Her father's voice exploded on her and the rest of the hospital. His hand came hard on her face; so hard she yelled.
"I hate you. I hate you too. The only reason I ever even stayed in this stupid family was because of Brian." She turned to her mother. Making sure that they both know how she felt.
"Then leave. He doesn't need you. He has your mother and me." Her father said.
"And how is that going to help him? You beating on him and mom just letting it happen? That would only hurt him even more."
"Watch what you say honey." Her mother said silently; still looking at the ground.
"You stay out of this." Her father's order shut her mother up and kept it that way.
"Just leave me alone from now on. That meaning you don't hit me; you don't touch me; and you don't talk to me." Mandy said harshly and loud enough for people coming down the hall to hear.
"Will you keep your voice down?" Her father whispered.
"Why? So I can help you after all the things you did to me and my brother? Even my mother? No thanks." Mandy pushed her father to the side and walked in to the hospital room where she saw her baby brother lying on the white bed.


This post has been edited by Mun-Mun: Dec 18 2006, 05:06 PM

[lllanyalll]

her father is such a jerk she should kick him in the nuts ^_^

[Mun-Mun]

her father is such a jerk she should kick him in the nuts ^_^

LOL. Just wait...I'm pretty sure you'll find the next part interesting... =]

[stigmatopeople]

i read

[Mun-Mun]

i read

i wrote

[stigmatopeople]

uhm?
what i mean is.. i read what you wrote... because u said u doubted if i actually read...

[Mun-Mun]

uhm?
what i mean is.. i read what you wrote... because u said u doubted if i actually read...

oh haha. i forgot i wrote that xD


here's the next chapter for other peoples.

Chapter 3
"Brian." She said so silent that no one could have heard her.
"Mandy?" Brian said slowly with grunts and deep breaths.
"Brian. I'm so sorry. I never thought they would- I didn't mean for this to- I'm just so sorry. This was my entire fault. I'm supposed to be the one who's taking care of you and I got you shot." Mandy said quickly with her eyes full of tears and having the soft tears roll down her cheek.
"Man-dy, this... was-n't...your...fault...You...did ... your best." Brian could barely talk and yet he tried his hardest with Mandy. "I heard...what you...said...thanks." Mandy bowed her head and laid it on his leg while holding his arm.
"Miss. I think you should go now."
"Can't I just have one more minute?"
"I'm sorry but it's the doctor's orders."
"Alright...bye." She silently said bye to Brian then kissed him on the forehead and slowly walked out. She saw that her parents were sitting in the waiting room where her father had a clipboard. 'It's probably just forms or something.' She began to walk home; passing her school and her brother's. She could still see the blood on the sidewalk that was her brother's. She sat down on the sidewalk expecting nothing but more hurt to overcome her.
"Are you alright...?" Mandy looked up to see a boy around her age with light brown or maybe dark blonde hair. He had dull blue eyes that fit perfectly with his hair. His lips were thin and so was his figure.
"Me? I don't think I'll ever be alright."
"What?"
"Sorry. I didn't mean to put all that on you."
"No, it's alright. I'm Carson."
"I'm Mandy." Right then Mandy realized how horrible she must have looked from crying so much.
"So you wanna tell me what's going on or what?"
"I barely know you."
"Well you can get to know me by telling me why you were just crying on this bloody sidewalk. Why is this sidewalk bloody...? Sorry, I'm new here."
"Oh. No wonder."
"What?"
"Never mind. This morning I was walking with my little brother to school. He goes here and then my ex-boy friend came in his car with some of his friends. He was always mad at me for breaking up with him. And this morning...I told him to go away. My brother was standing right here and he...he...he...shot him."
"Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so mean."
"It's alright, he's alive but I don't know for how long. I can't believe this is happening." Mandy dug her head into her hands crying. Carson sat next to her examining the blood stain on the sidewalk from behind him.
"Oh my gosh. I'm sorry. This is so weird...me crying in front of the new guy...I'll just go." Mandy stood up and walked towards her house. Carson, who was still shocked by the girl jumped up and jogged to Mandy's side.
"Wait. How about you show me around? I know it's not the greatest time and all bu-" Mandy thought to herself. 'Is he asking me out? No, of course he's not. He just pities me. Ugh I should walk away offended right now. But I don't want to be alone. I guess I could show him around; it might even make me feel better...who knows?'
"Yeah, sure."
"Really?"
"Yeah...sure."
"Alright. So show me the great city of Haddixville."
"Hmph. There's nothing great about this city...nothing but dirty crimes. This city sucks @$$."
"Well it can't. I mean...you live here. How bad can it be?" Mandy felt a burst of heat upon her body. She blushed and it just made her dark red hair brighter. Carson's smiled appeared as he saw Mandy. His smile was so elegant. Yet...it was one of the most beautiful and sexiest thingy Mandy ever saw. If only that was the only thing good about Carson...he seemed to burst with perfection.
Mandy must have been blind not to notice his good features. He wasn't buff but he was certainly in shape and strong. His dark blond hair scattered across his blemish free face. His blue-green eyes screamed love, care and loyalty. He was all too perfect. Mandy thought of all his good features and his amazing personality. Not only did he care about others he also knew how to make a girl blush and tingle with joy. His charm was only one of the things that made him so perfect.
"So...where do you want to go...?"
"I don't know. I guess we'll just go where ever the wind takes us."
"That's really inspirational but it doesn't exactly help us."
"You're pretty orderly aren't you?"
"What's that mean...?"
"I mean like, you plan everything that happens don't you? You just hate surprises and stuff."
"Nuh-huh. I-I certainly did not expect this morning." Mandy said thinking of only a couple hour ago.
"Hey, I’m sorry."
"What are you sorry about? You're not to blame. I barely know you." Mandy said with a small smirk that looked nothing like a smile. "I know, let's go to the park."
"The park?"
"Yeah, it's weird. The park's the only place around here that's not ruined."
"Uh...Okay then..."
End of Chapter 3

[lllanyalll]

Yay! That was good ^_^ more more more!!!

[Dark Angel]

carry on!!

[Mun-Mun]

carry on!!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I have written up to chapter 8 but I'll just post the next 2 chapters. Thanks to everyone who's reading. I'm kind of stuck where I am right now so it may be a while until I actually post again [in case I change anything] so please be patient!


Chapter 4
"So where were you from?"
"New York." Carson replied nicely and looked at the pond in the park.
"Wait. You moved from New York to HERE?" Mandy shouted.
"Yeah."
"Why would you ever do that?"
"Well...I kinda caused some trouble back in New York. My parents thought we should move to get me away from that stuff, and my dad is a business guy and he had some stuff to do here. So we just moved here instead."
"Wow. If I ever had a chance I would get outta here."
"Why? It doesn't seem THAT bad..." Mandy turned her head to Carson giving him a full on glare.
"You haven't lived here your whole life...you didn't live my life."
"Sorry."
"Why are you always saying sorry? You didn't do anything wrong. I thought you were a troublemaker."
"I am. I'm just a nice troublemaker."
"Haha...so if you robbed a bank or something you would yell sorry on the way out?"
"Yeah. But I've never robbed a bank so I'm not that sure..." Mandy looked out on to the pond that seemed to stretch for miles and miles.
"You alright?" Carson's voice brought Mandy brought to life.
"Yeah, Carson?"
"Yeah?"
"I want to run away. Can you help me?"
"What...?"
"I hate my house, I hate my family. I only love my brother and I may have killed him. I can't go back home tonight."
"Why? You should be with your parents."
"Hmph. My parents? You mean my dad that abuses my mom and molests me? The same one that gives me and my brother bruises and scratches that we have to say we did to ourselves so he doesn't go to jail? And my mom who is so scared and defenseless that can't even protect her own children...? Carson, don't make me go back there..." 'OH NO! He's not going to help me, he'll just tell the world. He'll tell his parents and then the police will arrest my mom and dad. Then...I really would be alone. Why did I tell him? I don't even know this guy. Why would I say I need his help? I don't know him...Dad's going to really kill me this time.' Mandy's thoughts seemed to echo through her head. It seemed as if eternity had passed until Carson looked back into Mandy's eyes and said something.
"Mandy, I'll be here for you, whenever you need me." Mandy's worries seemed to brush off of her. She held Carson and Carson held her back.
"Mandy...are you...alright...?" Carson said as she back away from him.
"Yeah. Now I am. Carson, you don't know how happy I am to hear you're going to help me!"
"Mandy...I mean. Did your dad hurt you really bad? Do you need to go to the hospital or something...?”
"No, I-I'm fine. How about we go back to my house first? I need to get some stuff anyways."
"Alright." They stood up and began to walk back to Mandy's house. When they reached her driveway she could tell her parents were home because of the front porch light and the green minivan that took up most of the driveway.
"I think you should wait here." Mandy said as they stopped next to the white mailbox.
"Alright. I'll wait right here. Hurry up okay?"
"Alright." Mandy walked to the front porch and slowly opened the door, in fear of her father. When she stepped inside it was silent except for the t.v. turned on with her dad watching. She tried to walk past without a sound but it was impossible since her floors were all creaky.
"Mandy? Is that you?" Her mother asked from the kitchen.
"Why you little b!tch? Where have you been? And how dare you speak to your mother and me in the hospital, a public place! Do you want to be punished some more? HUH?"
"No! Don't touch me. I'm leaving; I'm going to my friend's house." Mandy said while sobbing.
"I'm not allowing you." Her father's voice roared in her ears.
"I don't care." Mandy ran up the stairs to her room. She grabbed her book bag, emptied her books and went to her drawers looking for clothes. She stuffed it full of an assortment of clothes. The door swung opened with her father holding broken glass beer bottle and an evil look in his eyes.
"Get away from me." Mandy said weakly.
"You obey me. I am your father, I am the reason you're even alive."
"I would rather be dead than to be YOUR daughter." Mandy said with tears rolling down her cheeks.
"That's it." Her father walked closer to her, still holding the broken glass bottle.
"No! Get away from me!" Mandy backed up into a corner where her dad kept walking towards her. Her dad kicked her, hit her, hitting her with the bottle, leaving her bleeding and crying.
"You should be grateful that I even let you live." Her father said as he began to walk out the door.
"I wish you would just kill me." Mandy said loud enough for her father to hear. He began to walk back to her and picked her and threw her on the bed.
"What did you say?!"
"I said, I WISH YOU WOULD JUST KILL ME!" Mandy's yell was so loud that Carson could hear it. He rushed up the stairs finding Mandy on the ground with her father hovering over her, demanding an apology.
"Get away from her!" Carson yelled.
"Carson, just go. Go!" Mandy yelled as soon as she realized who it was. Mandy's father turned facing Carson.
"Who the hell is this little motherfu-ker?" John Jamison walked closer and closer to Carson as Carson tried to back away. Mandy tried to stand up with whatever strength she had left.
"Mandy, are you okay?"
"Carson, just leave. Forget what I said. Just GO!" Carson yelled when Mr. Jamison’s unexpected beer bottle came for him.
"I'm not gonna leave you."
"GO! Please..."
"I'm coming back for you!" Carson ran down the stairs, weak in the leg, where Mr. Jamison hit him with the bottle.
"You. You told someone? I gave you a break before but that's it. I can see you don't care about your family. Is that what this is about? HUH?!" Her father walked more and more closely.
"John! Dinner's ready. I wouldn't want it to cool, you better eat it now." Mandy's mother yelped as John Jamison walked closer to Mandy.
"Fine, take care of this b!tch." Elaine Jamison ran to her daughter on the ground, weak and close to death.
"Oh, honey. Let's get you cleaned up." Mandy fainted and couldn't remember a thing that happened the next morning. But when she saw the bruises and scars everything came rushing back to her. Her meeting Carson, her father beating her more than usual, Carson coming to her rescue, and her mom saving her from dying. *BANG* *BANG* The knock echoed through the empty house. Mandy soon realized that her father and mother were both at work and that she was the one who had to answer the door. She yelled a raspy 'COMING!' and went to see her, but with a black eye, scratches on her lip, cheek and her forehead. She weakly walked down the stairs and opened the door.
"Mandy! We have to get you to the hospital." Carson's sweet face greeted her.
"No...I can't...Carson, just...leave..."
"What? No! Mandy, you could have died last night and you could die right now. You need to go to a hospital."
"No...Don’t do...anything, please..."
"Mandy, the least you could do is come back to my house. I can't let you stay here." Mandy agreed and walked back upstairs where she grabbed the backpack she packed the night before. She threw it down the stairs, knocking over her family portrait.
"Let's get walking..." Mandy said expecting pain from the walking.
"Walking? Are you crazy? I'll just drive us. Come on."
"You can drive?"
"Of course, what 18-year-old can't?"
"You're 18?"
"Yeah."
"THAT'S...YOUR CAR?" A beautiful porche was in her driveway. Mandy was shocked.
"Sorry, I guess I forgot to tell you... Come on. I'll tell you everything on the way." Carson helped Mandy to his car and started the engine. Even the roar of the gorgeous machine shocked her more.
"I guess I should do some talking. Well...my dad's a lawyer and my mom's an architect. They're not only here because of me. The mayor wanted to remodel some parts of the town and needed an architect and a lawyer to finalize the papers. So that's how I got here. You can say I'm pretty wealthy, but I never cared since I don't really think money is important. So... yeah."
"Carson...?"
"Yeah?"
"I think we should go to the hospital now..." Mandy fainted with blood all over the back of the seat and on her head.
End of Chapter 4
Chapter 5
"Oh $hit, Mandy? Hang in there." Carson yelled. The car sped through the empty streets, passing strange buildings. 'God damn it, where the hell could the hospital be? She'll be okay, she's going to be okay, she’s going to be okay!' Carson's mind was almost speeding faster than the car. As soon as they got to the hospital Carson ran to get Mandy and ran into the hospital, yelling 'I NEED HELP, NOW!'
"Son, what's the matter?"
"My friend, she-she's bleeding...on her head." He was so out of breath from running with Mandy in his arms that he could barely make the sentence understandable.
"Alright, just relax. Alex! Get me a stretcher over here." A man in white came over with a stretcher, with white sheets. Mandy's blood surrounded her on the sheets.
"Son, we're going to need you to fill out some information for her."
"I don't really know a lot about her...but I'll try my best." After Carson filled out the form, as well as he could, there was only her name, age and her sex.
Name: Mandy Jamison
Age: 16
Sex: Female
"Sir? You can see your girlfriend now."
"She's not my-" The nurse walked away before Carson could correct her. Carson followed her to Mandy's room where she laid on the bed, weak with a bandage around her head.
"Hey."
"Mmm..."
"It's alright, I'm here for you." Carson grinned, making Mandy smile.
"Mmm, thanks."
"Shh, don't talk. Just sleep, mmkay? I'll come back for you tomorrow, to bring you back to my house."
"No." Carson was shocked by what she said. What did she mean? Carson was worried, but not sure why.
"What?"
"I don't think I should bother you anymore." Mandy said slowly, still feeling the pain from everywhere in her body.
"What? Mandy, you're not a bother. You're- you're- you're a friend in need of help." Carson smiled, and Mandy did the same as soon as she heard someone might actually care for her. Other than her brother that is. The next morning Mandy woke up with Carson asleep in the chair right next to her bed. His sweet blond hair fell over his blue-green eyes that just seem to shimmer in the dark room. For once she felt as if everything was alright and it would always be, when she was with Carson. His head shifted, startling Mandy.
“Hey, you’re awake.” His voice was so calm and yet tired. It was as if he had only slept for a while; which Mandy wasn’t really sure of if he had or not.
“So are you…I thought you said you were going home then coming back…”
“Yeah, but I remembered that your dad could find out where you were. So I just stayed.”
“Oh. Thanks. But I don’t think he would even want to find me…”
“Hey. He may be a fu-king @$$hole but he’s still your dad.”
“The only reason he would ever want me back is to hurt me.”
“Well, I’m not gonna let that happen.”
“Alright.” Mandy smiled and leaned back onto the hard yet comforting pillow. “So…when do I get to see your mansion?” She kid, while he flashed her one of his heart stopping smiles.
“Never” Mandy was worried now, was he not going to bring me back? She couldn’t help but think. “I don’t have a mansion. My house isn’t even that big.”
“Are you kidding me? You have a Porsche and you don’t have a HUGE house? Who are you trying to kid?”
“Well, you can see my HOUSE tonight.”
“I can leave by tonight?”
“Yeah I asked the nurses and they said you would be fine.”
“Do you know if…Brian’s alright?”
“Listen…I did ask.”
“Why…why do you sound so sad? Did something happen to Brian?” Mandy’s eyes began to water, Carson could tell.
“NO!” Carson’s voice made the whole room fall back to silent. “He’s fine, but your parents came and got him early this morning.”
“He was shot…how could he just…just leave?”
“He couldn’t.”
“What….?”
“He might even die. The chances are a lot bigger now that they brought him home.”
“No…I-I-WE need to go get him!”
“Not now. You need to rest, your dad really hurt you bad last night.”
“What else is new? I need to get Brian! He’s…he’s all I got.” Mandy looked at her hands, unwilling to look Carson in the eyes.
“Mandy, you have to stay. I already told my dad about your dad. He’ll take care of everything.”
“WHAT? No… Carson…you don’t understand. I could have turned in my dad a long time ago. The reason I didn’t was…he’s my dad. And even when I threaten to do that he’ll start beating me. If he knows that the police are coming after him he could kill Brian. He could beat him to death and rape my mom…and then maybe even come after me.”
“I’m not going to let that happen.”
“Carson! Don’t you understand? He’ll kill you if he knows you put him in jail. You don’t know my dad; if you get him mad…you disappear.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“I had another sister.”
“What…?”
“She decided that she couldn’t take anymore and went to the police. He almost went to jail but somehow he didn’t. I don’t remember I was too young. But the point is…she’s not …with us anymore.”
“This is exactly why I need you to come back with me. I’m not going to let you die.”
“Well, I can’t let Brian die.”
“And I can’t let yo-“Carson began to say before the door slammed open.
End of Chapter 5

----------------------------------
Just a Note. =]

The more comments I get, the more I post. =P
And if anyone has any ideas to add to the story, that
would be awesome, and a lot of help.

[lllanyalll]

excellent ^_^..... I hope the dad eventually dies though

[Mun-Mun]

excellent ^_^..... I hope the dad eventually dies though

LMFAO. Hahaha I started laughing when I read that. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[jryanas]

Did someone say Joyluck Club?!!?!?!?!?

This is the first time I've actually stepped into this part of the forums, yours just happens to be the first thing I clicked, and I realized that they little stories etc.

But I'm gonna have to say that you're story is a BIG PIECE OF $hit.
This is a not a personal attack or anything but im going to list some constructive criticisms, and I hope you take it with a grain of salt, and so that you're writing will become alot better. For you other posters, saying that a person is good at writing stories, is the worse thing you can do an amatuer writing cause it gives a false sense that thay're actually good.

OK point

1 - Narration
when you write stories you want to make you're clear to the reader, who maybe narrating the story.
This should be clear and consistent with how information is presented through you story/novel.
Here are 3 forms of Narration,

First Person
3rd Person
Omnipecent.(sp?) , all seeing

from what i've got from youre story, it's been omni because the narration never refers to herself in first person, or a third character is not commenting on the events. which leads to omni view, however all information presented so far is obviously biased towards the protagonist.

You've obviously, painted a black and white narration style, without any shades of grey, which working against developing drama through the characters.



2 - Creating a solid background

When creating a solid background, the goal is to develop a sense of history, the pre setting to the story,
do they live in run down shack, does the family look like a picture perfect to others, but is just real a house of cards. do live in a bad part of town, lots of crime violence in the area.

Brian getting shot would be very considered unexpected and random, this would have been good for a thriller type novel, however since it is presented as a drama, there has not build enough build up of emotional investment to draw to create an effective response to the reader.

3 - Lack of Vivid Details(using better wording/diction)

When discribing events, you want to more vivid words, so that the reader could place themselves inside the story setting,
i.e
she could hear the blaring sirens roar as tears and blood dripped off her cheeks.
as she responded,
""CALM DOWN?! My baby brother was just shot!"
just the thought of losing her only brother brought her more agony and heartache.
---
which is better than...
"CALM DOWN?! My baby brother who's in the THIRD grade was just shot!" Mandy yelled.

I've also noticed that you seem to be focusing more on the conversation rather than the feelings going the the characters.
Good for actions trillers, bad for drama.

4 - Lack of Character Development

As a story develops, information is slowly unraveled, however all information is brought up to the reader,
however, the purpose of most drama stories, is to growth and development of character,

ask yourself how my the proganist grow and gain from these experiences.
does she develop a independence, does she gain a new sense of confidence?

and to make this story even more real yo should apply this to all characters,
will the mom stand for herself?
will the father stop being abusive?

is there a story, as to why the mother married such an abusive person?
was the father always abusive? or he became bitter, after so and so?
how did sister die? was there always animosity, was there ever a good ol times of glory days?

----
so far what i'm getting at from the story, is damsel in distress, white knight saves the day,
the protangonist has not developed her own will of way, or a acheived her DHA, which will be discussed later.

5 - Inconsistency of Characters.

The main character constantly changes her centre locus of control.
at one point, she has an internal locus of control,
"this is my fault, im the reason you got shot"
to an external locus of control
"carons, don't make me go back there"

note. most dramas, the protagonist tend to have an external locus of control at the beggining of the story, then grows, an gains an inter locus of control.
if you don't know what im talking about, look it up it's a psycological term...or ask mndeg, he seems to say alot of random psycological terms.

6 - Plot holes

well this one is obvios,

i.e. shoting on board daylight, you make is sound like their in an urban area with allot of gang violence, where drive by occur often i.e SoCal, but you present a smalltown neighborhood.

i.e. ambulance just so happen to get there spot on when they're leaving,

no criminal investigation follow up goes on while she is at hospital, like she can just walk after her little brother gets patched up,

some random guy just happens to walk by when shes crying,
(this isn't a korean romatic comedy)

the parents shouldn't be allowed or even able to take home there son, who was described as in critical condition. literally impossible

How is possible that they don't know that they're daughter is in the hospital,
notification of next of kin is always guaranteed.

The list goes on.

7 - NO DHA?

For every protagonist, there's is a DHA. Dream Hopes and Aspirations. This is usually the first thing done when introducing any chracter,

what did the main chracter want to achieve?
....i could say a whole bunch more but im getting tired.

Hopefully that helped.

Here's how i advise writing stories,
before getting straight into it, (lots of thing already happened by chapter one)
you might wanna spend a few chapters developing character.
like discribing a picture before you set into motion.

Like they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.

[lllanyalll]

^OMG that's so boring >_<.... if you want to teach a creative writing class you should go make your own topic about it instead of highjacking someone else's.... mmmmkay


p.s. Mun-Mun's stories are awesome, thx ^_^

[Mun-Mun]

I appreciate your help and all but you really don't need to be so harsh about it. If people like my writing then let them say it's good or osmething. I sure don't have a problem with it. If you don't like it then don't say it or say it nicer. You didn't have to say it was a peice of $hit. And if you're such an amazing writer or whatever then why don't you just write something and leave other people's work alone. I am just an amatuar and I don't expect myself to be an excellent writer. But I don't expect my self to totally suck. If my writing did suck then people wouldn't read it at all and obviously you read it.
And lllanyalll is right, if you want to start teaching people how to write then go ahead. Just don't insult people's writing because I'm sure you're not the best writer or whatever out there. Even if you're a professional or a critic or something. That's your opinion, not everybody elses so here's my opinion.

That $hit that's coming out of your mouth? Take it to somebody who cares.

And lllanyalll? Thanks, it's good to know that there's someone out there watching my writing's back.

[Mun-Mun]

Well...after that excitment that was totally apart from my story I thought I would add a bit more to my story. And since I haven't updated in a while here's more than I would usually post. I hope you enjoy, and please comment as much as you want, good or bad.

Chapter 6

“Shawn?” Mandy’s voice seemed to be the only thing even reacting to the slam of the door.

“Mandy! What the…who did this? And who’s this guy?” He pointed to Carson with glaring eyes.

“This guy is Carson.” Carson said as he stood up, facing Shawn.

“Wait a minute. Did this @$$hole do this to you?”

“What? No!” Mandy yelped before Shawn did anything to Carson. “What the hell are you doing here?!”

“What? I don’t visit my girlfriend? That seems pretty rude now doesn’t it?” Carson looked back at Mandy then back at Shawn, taken aback.

“THAT SEEMS RUDE? YOU ALMOST KILLED BRIAN!” Mandy yelled so loud that it startled both of the guys.

“THIS is the guy that shot Brian?” Carson said, trying to clarify everything.

“Well...” Shawn said innocently. Luckily, before anything happened the nurse came in.

“Do you think you all could just quiet down a bit? And plus, you boys should let the poor girl sleep.” The nurse waved her finger at the boys and walked out.

“Shawn, can you leave? Please..?” Mandy said, looking as if she was about to cry.

“Why does this guy get to stay? I’m your boyfriend!”

“Why are you so stupid that you don’t understand I broke up with you?! And even if I didn’t and you shot my brother I STILL wouldn’t be with you! Please, just leave!” Mandy yelled in a whisper, not wanting that nurse back to warn them.

“So what; is this guy your new boyfriend?”

“Yes.”Carson said, while Mandy said her answer.

“No.” Mandy and Carson both answered in unisons. They looked at each other, not understanding.

“Whatever… have fun with her. fu-k her while you can, b!tches.” He stalked out.

“Sorry.” Mandy said while still staring at the door.

“What for? He’s the jerk.”

“Yeah well… I’m still sorry you had to get in this.”

“Listen, about Brian. He’ll be alright. We’ll get him back somehow.”

“Thanks Carson.” She brought him into a hug, filled with more love than any other three day friendship. It barely seemed like 8 hours before Mandy was allowed to leave. As soon as they got out of the hospital they went back to Mandy’s house, hoping that Mandy’s dad wasn’t there. That maybe, just maybe, he would be at some bar, drunk.

*Knock* *Knock* Mandy tried to do it as courageous as she could. Her dad’s car wasn’t in the driveway but she didn’t know if it was in the garage or not. Her mom opened the door with a shocked expression.

“Mandy…you should leave.”

“Mom, I came back for Brian. I’m not leaving him.” Mandy said strongly with Carson standing right next to her.

“Honey, come back later.”

“WHO IS IT?” Mandy could hear her father’s drunk voice in front of the t.v.

“Just…one of the neighbors. They’re seeing how Brian’s doing.” Mandy’s mother lied, in hopes that he wouldn’t know it was Mandy.

“Mom, I know you don’t want Brian hurt. I’ll bring him somewhere else, where we’ll be safe.” Mandy whispered quietly so that her father couldn’t hear who it was.

“He’s asleep, and I can’t. Your father would know something.”

“Then come with us. We’ll all be safe; we don’t need him mom…”

“I can’t leave him. He may not notice right away that you two aren’t here but he’ll know when he has no food to eat…”

“Mom, listen to yourself you’re just a slave to him. I’m coming back tomorrow for Brian and-”

“ALRIGHT EILAINE; I THINK YOU’RE DONE TALKING WITH THEM.” Her father interrupted. Her mother shook her head no and closed the door.

“I need my brother.” Mandy said as she turned to Carson.

“Don’t worry, we’ll get him.” They both walked back to the car, slowly.

As they approached Carson’ house they could see cars lined up for blocks.

“Sorry, must be my brothers or something.”

“Wow.” That was all Mandy could say.

“Come on, let’s go in.”

“Are you sure...?”

“Of course! I live here after all. Let’s go.” They walked in, hand-in-hand. When they walked in there were hundreds of people. You could tell how big their house was just by seeing how many people were in there. Carson held Mandy’s hand tight and began guiding her upstairs, to his room.

“HEYYYY CARSON!” Girls were screaming all around them.

“I thought you just moved here…” Mandy asked.

“Yeah I did but my brothers lived here for a while and all their friends know me.”

“Oh.”

“Bay-bay Bro!” A muscular guy came up to them with a cup in his hand. He had the dirty blond hair Carson had, with hazel eyes and a much more muscular body.

“Are you drunk?” Carson asked immediately.

“Of course you ask me that!”

“Well, yeah.”

“Well, thanks for your concern but I’m not.”

“Whatever.” Carson began to guide Mandy up the stairs again but Kevin, Carson’s 2nd oldest brother, stopped them.

“And who’s the beautiful lady with my bay-bay brother?” He looked at Mandy, checking her out.

“This is Mandy.” Carson said.

“Hi.”

“You wanna party with me tonight...?” He winked at her and Mandy smiled. Carson’s eyes filled with green, by his envious feelings. Mandy started to giggle.

“Well, we’ve had a long night. Have fun Kev.”

“HAVE FUN!” Kevin yelled as he dove back into the mess of a party.
End of Chapter 6
Chapter 7

They made it back to Carson’s bedroom, which was about the size of Mandy’s house.

“Tell me again, how is this NOT a mansion?” Mandy said kiddingly.

“Well, it kinda is, isn’t it?” He said while smiling again.

“Hey Carson?”

“Yeah?” He said as he sat down beside her on his bed.

“You’re the nicest guy I’ve meant, in a long time.”

“Well…if you hang around guys like Shawn it’s no doubt.” He said with another smile, to tell her it was a joke. She smiled back, then looked around his huge room again.

“He wasn’t always like that you know…”

“Who? Shawn?” Mandy nodded.

“We were best friends, ever since kindergarten. Then…we started going out. EVERYONE said we were perfect, I thought so too. I mean, he was my best friend. He knew everything, even about my dad. He swore he would never tell, and he never did; he still hasn’t. Then…his mom died. Everything was just…crazy. He freaked out, she was all he had. He stays with his grandma now. He began to fall into the bad crowds. I told him not too but he wouldn’t listen. I didn’t want to break up with him, I still loved him. Then…things got a bit too…serious. He just went totally…bad. I broke up with him and he got so mad that he shot Brian. I guess he couldn’t stand someone else he cared about leaving him, he probably wanted me to feel it.” Mandy stared at her feet the whole time. Carson had his arm around her to comfort her. As she began to finish he gently pushed her down and started to kiss her. It seemed to be going so fast, it didn’t seem like two hours before they started to stop.

They laid on Carson’s bed, just holding each other. Everything was silent besides the music blaring from downstairs.

“What do you say, wanna go down to the party?”

“Sure!” Mandy could barely wait until she was asked. They went down to the even more crowded party. It seemed to either increase in size or the house shrunk.

“Is that your brother…on the chandelier?”

“Ugh, not again. KEVIN!” Carson ran towards his brother to get him down. Mandy giggled as she saw how hard Carson had to try to get him down from the ceiling/chandelier. She saw from the corner of her eye someone she did not expect to…Shawn.
End of Chapter 7
Chapter 8

“Oh no…What’s he doing here…?” Mandy said to herself. Carson came back to her as soon as his brother was on the ground. She tried to hide behind him once he looked towards her.

“Hey. What are you doing?” Carson asked jokingly.

“Shawn.”

“What?”

“He’s here, look towards the door.” Carson could see the drunk Shawn. The guy who was flirting with all the girls and getting slapped by them too.

“Kev!”

“CAR!” Kevin yelled back. After his adventure on the chandelier Kevin seemed much more sober.

“Do me a favor. Get that @$$ out of here.” Carson whispered into Kevin’s ear.

“Who?” Kevin asked looking around. Carson pointed Shawn out directly and Kevin looked around and saw the people he was looking for. He gave a signal to them and they began to walk towards Shawn.

“Wait!” Mandy yelped.

“What?” Carson and Kevin both said.

“Let me talk to him. If you keep kicking him while he’s down, it won’t help.” Mandy tried to explain.

“He’s not down…” Kevin said. Kevin called the two large men off and let Mandy walk towards Shawn.

“Shawn! What are you doing here?”

“PARTYING!!”

“Shawn, you’re drunk. You should get home; your grandma’s probably worried about you.”

“Oh please. She’s in Vegas somewhere…”

“Shawn, please leave.”

“Why should I? I like to party, and guess what? I’m going to PARTTTAY!!” Mandy tried her hardest to push him out of the door, but it was no use. He was just too strong. Carson couldn’t get through the crowd but it didn’t matter since his old girlfriend had showed and was trying to get back together. It seemed as if everything was happening so fast, that nothing was real. Soon enough Mandy got Shawn out of the house, and to the front porch. The cool air blew across them.

“Will you just get the hell out of here?!”

“No! Why do you think you can just control me? You don’t even care about me anymore.”

“What? What makes you think I don’t care about you? Shawn, you’re my best friend, or you use to be.”

“Why does it have to be ‘use to’?”

“You know why. You…just…changed okay?”

“No, not okay. Ever since you left…everything went bad. I loved you, not just as a best friend. And you know that. I thought I could always count on you…and you left me. You don’t care and I don’t need to listen to you.”

“I’m not telling you to listen to me! I just want you to be safe.”

“I am safe and I don’t need you.” Shawn walked further down the porch where it was empty. Mandy rushed to be by his side, she grabbed his arm and stopped him.

“Shawn, you know I care about you…right?” Shawn’s eyes filled with wonder. “Right?” Mandy asked again waiting for his answer.

“Mandy, if you care about me then why did you? Why did you just leave me like that? You said you would always be there for me. But then you just…you just left.”

“My life is already in a total mess. You know that; so I couldn’t handle you just being like that. I’m sorry if you felt like I was leaving you. It just seemed like you didn’t even want to be with me anymore so I just left.”

“Mandy, I’ll never leave you.” Shawn held her closer and closer. It seemed like old times when all they had were each other. They held each other as if their lives depended on it. Mandy thought, ‘What’ going on now? Why am I holding him? I hope he doesn’t think we’re together again…What about Carson? What’s going to happen now..?’

“Mandy, are you alright?” Shawn’s sincere voice brought Mandy back to reality. Why did everything seem to be going so fast?

“Yeah, I’m okay. I think you should go home…”

“Let me take you home first.”

“No.”

“What?”

“I’m staying…here; with Carson.”

“So…you are going out with that guy…”

“Not really…I just can’t go home.”

“Whatever, I’m leaving. Just remember I’ll be there if you need me okay?” Mandy nodded and Shawn began to walk down the crowded steps of the large mansion. Mandy would have stopped him, but what would she have said? Nothing. She didn’t want Shawn to even be here, she didn’t want the last 20 minutes to even be real. It just seemed like such a dream that she just wanted to forget it.

“Hey, you get Sheen to leave?”

“His name is Shawn; and yeah. He just left.” Mandy replied once Carson came out seeing her standing at the end of the porch.

“Let’s go back in.”

“Do we have to…?”

“No, I guess not.”

“Let’s just…go somewhere else…” Mandy said, leaving Carson’s hand to fall beside his side.

End of Chapter 8

[lllanyalll]

oh my... D= I hope she doesn't break up with Carson for Shawn D= dun dun duuun... more please ^_^