is he using me? Options

[Shalli]

So I recently met this guy when I was in Cambodia, we've been dating about 6 weeks but already topic of getting married and having kids has come up, which sounds crazy to me. He's pretty much got nothing and I feel guilty that his life sucks but at the same time I don't want to be used. So far he's asked me to pay for his school, give him my laptop, buy him clothes and take him to England. I haven't brought him loads of stuff but I did buy him some clothes and give him lunch money for school. There was no way I was going to give him my new netbook but I said I had an old one at home I could send to him but when I got home I couldn't find it and remembered I'd thrown it away, he got super angry saying if I don't send him a laptop he'd lose face and that he felt he couldn't trust me anymore because I am a liar! When I brought up moving to Cambodia and opening a business he was fine about it and was happy with that and he also wants to get married in Cambodia before coming to UK. I haven't met his parents yet but he said we could go see them and then changed his mind because he had nothing to give them. I'm going back in December, he's promised I can meet them then instead and I was going to wait and see if he keeps that promise before I make any decisions about the relationship. So what do you guys think?

[samnang]

run. now.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

[Gideon]

Sorry to say but it does sound like he's using you. Even if he doesn't know it or isn't doing it consciously.... he is. Anyways, any relationship where one brings almost nothing to the relationship (except love) the person who is contributing more will always feel resentment. Just the fact that he felt that you were obligated to give him your laptop after you could longer deliver on the older one tells me that he's very needy and selfish.

How can he lose face with his friends? He shouldnt be bragging to his friends about the $hit he's gonna get before he gets it anyway. (another bad sign he's using you) Do what you said, visit him again and see if he keeps his promise. Test him while you are there and dont let love blind you. I can easily see him dumping you after he's done with school or has gotten the visa to move to the UK. BE PERCEPTIVE!

[Shalli]

thanks for your replies, been thinking about it and i'm going to end it. i feel bad for him but at the same time it's not my problem. i'm not totally in love with him, i just want him to have a better life.

[samnang]

thanks for your replies, been thinking about it and i'm going to end it. i feel bad for him but at the same time it's not my problem. i'm not totally in love with him, i just want him to have a better life.

If you continue on with those behaviors, you're setting yourself up for a mental illness.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the "benefactor." As this reliance increases, the co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from "being needed." When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it.

- http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency

The caretaking becomes an addiction. Better to quit cold turkey now before it becomes a problem.

This post has been edited by samnang: Aug 30 2010, 12:26 AM

[Shalli]

lol yes Samnang!

[samnang]

[cocoloco]

Hi Shalli,
From what you said it does sound like he is using you. No men with dignity and respect would ask his girlfriend that he barely met to buy him all those things..and on top of it get mad that you won't get it for him! Run! Run! Run! He sounds like a dead beat, loser, male gold digger who is selfish and only sees money as the concept of love. The fact that he don't want you to meet his parents but yet talk about marriage is just absurd! It is like he is yanking your chains and seeing what he could get away with. You do not need a loser like that, there are plenty of great wonderful men who would treat you 10x better. Plus, it is a long distance relationship so you would not know if he has another gf and is using what you gave him..to give her! He sounds like a total douche, dirty scumbag, please run..run..as fast as you can, and never look back. Don't listen to his sweet words because for him to be able to get you to do all those things he must have a very sweet and charming way with words; which of course is only used for his advantages.

[Shalli]

trust me to end up with one lol.

[kenmirzz]

Hi Shalli,
From what you said it does sound like he is using you. No men with dignity and respect would ask his girlfriend that he barely met to buy him all those things..and on top of it get mad that you won't get it for him! Run! Run! Run! He sounds like a dead beat, loser, male gold digger who is selfish and only sees money as the concept of love. The fact that he don't want you to meet his parents but yet talk about marriage is just absurd! It is like he is yanking your chains and seeing what he could get away with. You do not need a loser like that, there are plenty of great wonderful men who would treat you 10x better. Plus, it is a long distance relationship so you would not know if he has another gf and is using what you gave him..to give her! He sounds like a total douche, dirty scumbag, please run..run..as fast as you can, and never look back. Don't listen to his sweet words because for him to be able to get you to do all those things he must have a very sweet and charming way with words; which of course is only used for his advantages.

I seconded Ms Cocoloco's advice. It's damned obvious that the guy preyed upon your credulity to hook you up and then exploiting you, Ms Shalli. He should proved himself worth the value by being useful, not some leech-like blood sucking male without any tangible future ambition.

[Shalli]

thanks x

[LittleDeathAngel]

So I recently met this guy when I was in Cambodia, we've been dating about 6 weeks but already topic of getting married and having kids has come up, which sounds crazy to me. He's pretty much got nothing and I feel guilty that his life sucks but at the same time I don't want to be used. So far he's asked me to pay for his school, give him my laptop, buy him clothes and take him to England. I haven't brought him loads of stuff but I did buy him some clothes and give him lunch money for school. There was no way I was going to give him my new netbook but I said I had an old one at home I could send to him but when I got home I couldn't find it and remembered I'd thrown it away, he got super angry saying if I don't send him a laptop he'd lose face and that he felt he couldn't trust me anymore because I am a liar! When I brought up moving to Cambodia and opening a business he was fine about it and was happy with that and he also wants to get married in Cambodia before coming to UK. I haven't met his parents yet but he said we could go see them and then changed his mind because he had nothing to give them. I'm going back in December, he's promised I can meet them then instead and I was going to wait and see if he keeps that promise before I make any decisions about the relationship. So what do you guys think?

If I had a girlfriend that would treat me like you treat him, I would bow down to you everyday and worship you like some kind of Goddess. ^^

Asking for money and stuff... >_>

I am all for accepting money/gifts from my girlfriend (if I had one) in desperate/sucky situations but I would definitely pay her back in full (if not more) when I am able to. Also, I would give her three times more love and attention because she helped me while I was in a sucky situation.

Has he ever mentioned anything about paying you back for the stuff? No....

Did he ever say he loves you for all the things you have done for him? No. All he did was yell at you and call you a liar for not giving him more stuff.

That guy is only in the relationship for himself, not you. He does not love you. It is obvious by the way he treats you.

As for him losing face.... >_>

LOL. Tell him he never had face to begin with. Tell him you gave him everything he had and you can take it all away in an instant, so he better give you some respect. Tell him you don't need him, he needs you. Your way or the highway.

[avisitor]

The only question that needs to be answered is ... does he love you???
From your description, he sounds like a man with nothing and has found a gold mine (you)

You will only know if he loves you if you tell him that your parents cut you off and you have no money
and no way to support yourself ... that you need him to take care of you.
If he truly loves you then he will do whatever he can to take the very best care of you.


eh, never mind ... just run for your life ... go find another man who has the ability to take care of you and use him

[ZealousZealot]

The only question that needs to be answered is ... does he love you???
From your description, he sounds like a man with nothing and has found a gold mine (you)

You will only know if he loves you if you tell him that your parents cut you off and you have no money
and no way to support yourself ... that you need him to take care of you.
If he truly loves you then he will do whatever he can to take the very best care of you.


eh, never mind ... just run for your life ... go find another man who has the ability to take care of you and use him

This conversation is stupid.

Cambodians priority is survival not "love" give me a break.

She goes to one of the poorest places in the world and is suprised some guy is trying to milk as much as he can from her. pfffft.

Your using some lofty first world standards of self aggrandising, forlorn love story in a place in a land where people are scrouging for their next meal.

He obviously needs some clothes, maybe food....and some financial stability. Love? LOVE???? LOLOLLOLOLOLOL.

Idiots. She has found herself some man whore! The male version of those green card mail order brides!

[LittleDeathAngel]

This conversation is stupid.

Cambodians priority is survival not "love" give me a break.

She goes to one of the poorest places in the world and is suprised some guy is trying to milk as much as he can from her. pfffft.

Your using some lofty first world standards of self aggrandising, forlorn love story in a place in a land where people are scrouging for their next meal.

He obviously needs some clothes, maybe food....and some financial stability. Love? LOVE???? LOLOLLOLOLOLOL.

Idiots. She has found herself some man whore! The male version of those green card mail order brides!

You just gave me an idea. o_o

If the people in Cambodia are that poor and desperate, then I can get my own personal army there. ^^

Now, the only thing missing is an evil lair.... o_o

[Shalli]

If I had a girlfriend that would treat me like you treat him, I would bow down to you everyday and worship you like some kind of Goddess. ^^

Asking for money and stuff... >_>

I am all for accepting money/gifts from my girlfriend (if I had one) in desperate/sucky situations but I would definitely pay her back in full (if not more) when I am able to. Also, I would give her three times more love and attention because she helped me while I was in a sucky situation.

Has he ever mentioned anything about paying you back for the stuff? No....

Did he ever say he loves you for all the things you have done for him? No. All he did was yell at you and call you a liar for not giving him more stuff.

That guy is only in the relationship for himself, not you. He does not love you. It is obvious by the way he treats you.

As for him losing face.... >_>

LOL. Tell him he never had face to begin with. Tell him you gave him everything he had and you can take it all away in an instant, so he better give you some respect. Tell him you don't need him, he needs you. Your way or the highway.

lol you're reply made me laugh.

actually he's offered to pay it back when he has his 'job' in UK lol. some of you guys got it all wrong, i'm not in love with the guy yet, it's been only about 6,7 weeks. i'm still a student not even sure i want to get married. he knows i'm a student, i have little money and my family are working class. i'm not sticking up for him but he did things for me as well, took me out instead of renting his bike out etc, sometimes he had to buy me food cos i lost my bank card while i was in Thailand lol (depended on western union). get this i explain to my mum and she tells me to stay with him and discuss it lmao, i should 'understand' him because he comes from a poor country, is she mad? i think so....

[avisitor]

This conversation is stupid.

Cambodians priority is survival not "love" give me a break.

She goes to one of the poorest places in the world and is suprised some guy is trying to milk as much as he can from her. pfffft.

Your using some lofty first world standards of self aggrandising, forlorn love story in a place in a land where people are scrouging for their next meal.

He obviously needs some clothes, maybe food....and some financial stability. Love? LOVE???? LOLOLLOLOLOLOL.

Idiots. She has found herself some man whore! The male version of those green card mail order brides!

Even in the poorest of countries and places, ... love exists
And romance and love stories come from all parts of the world.
People are still people and survival is necessary everywhere
People got to eat and they have a huge capacity for love.
Don't discount it ...


*Sarcasm ON*
Maybe Cambodians do struggle to survive ... guess they don't fall in love
But, it must mean that there is a lot of humping going on that has no love in it ...
Hmmm, what keeps a man and a woman together to raise a family????
Must be the struggle to find their next meal ...
Guess you are right ... there is no such thing as love for these poorest of people
*Sarcasm OFF*

Live long and may you prosper

[TheKeeperOfTheSe...]

Even in the poorest of countries and places, ... love exists
And romance and love stories come from all parts of the world.
People are still people and survival is necessary everywhere
People got to eat and they have a huge capacity for love.
Don't discount it ...


*Sarcasm ON*
Maybe Cambodians do struggle to survive ... guess they don't fall in love
But, it must mean that there is a lot of humping going on that has no love in it ...
Hmmm, what keeps a man and a woman together to raise a family????
Must be the struggle to find their next meal ...
Guess you are right ... there is no such thing as love for these poorest of people
*Sarcasm OFF*

Live long and may you prosper

The relationship is satanic.
It is based on self righteous aggrandisement and pitying charity.
I suspect the woman has issues if she must go to Cambodia to seek a mate.
Perhaps she has power issues.

The relationship is not a Holy union of mutual self respect, pride and understanding.
The woman makes a mockery of love, she perverts the very concept.
As such she should not complain when she finds a man whore.

This post has been edited by TheKeeperOfTheSeal: Sep 1 2010, 02:47 AM

[Shalli]

The relationship is satanic.
It is based on self righteous aggrandisement and pitying charity.
I suspect the woman has issues if she must go to Cambodia to seek a mate.
Perhaps she has power issues.

The relationship is not a Holy union of mutual self respect, pride and understanding.
The woman makes a mockery of love, she perverts the very notion of it.
As such she should not complain when she finds a man whore.

there was no 'seeking' involved. he basically wore me down and i gave in (receptionist and driver in my hotel). at first he fu-king scared me cos he took me to some waterfall he'd offered to take me to when i asked what there was to do, when we get there i notice this look in his eye, keeps moving closer etc and i'm thinking oh no we're like 3 or 4 hours away from hotel, please let him be a nice guy seeing as it's deserted and i haven't seen a tuk-tuk in a while lol. worst he did was try to kiss me in the end and maybe being a bit too touchy while he's 'supporting' me when we're climbing the fall. after that he was just always calling my room and taking me places for free. in the end i kissed him back. i didn't even know he was sleeping in a hallway until way after.

This post has been edited by Shalli: Sep 1 2010, 12:28 AM

[SparklingWater]

lol you're reply made me laugh.

actually he's offered to pay it back when he has his 'job' in UK lol. some of you guys got it all wrong, i'm not in love with the guy yet, it's been only about 6,7 weeks. i'm still a student not even sure i want to get married. he knows i'm a student, i have little money and my family are working class. i'm not sticking up for him but he did things for me as well, took me out instead of renting his bike out etc, sometimes he had to buy me food cos i lost my bank card while i was in Thailand lol (depended on western union). get this i explain to my mum and she tells me to stay with him and discuss it lmao, i should 'understand' him because he comes from a poor country, is she mad? i think so....

No, your mum is not mad. It is because of situations that cause people to become who they are. And he cannot fully be blamed for his attitude and selfishness. But keep in mind, you're not a charity case. Why would you want to support someone's life to make your own life worst? Let him go, but don't disrespect him.

Also, him not taking you to see his parents yet has nothing to do with whether he's real with you or not. If it's not real towards you, he will still take you to see his parent, as his parent would want him to get a better life regardless.