Dealing with a sexually abused gf? Options

[harri89]

Basically I was dating a girl who has been sexually abused as a child. She has never had a bf before due to this issue and she makes a lot of decisions based on emotions (e.g we break up A LOT).

I just want her to not take her emotions as the main driving force behind major decisions and look at what is the logical thing to do during times...

She is very sensitive of life, she will literally move a bug off the sidewalk onto the grass, and befriend weird guys online with social problems.

Any advice to get her back and fixing this? Or am I better off just letting go..

[tangawizi]

hey, if she doesn't need a psychologist, why do u wanna be her psychologist?

but, if she's so emotionally a wreck, then maybe you can take her to a psychologist or go on a silent meditation retreat together, they are all over in north america (google insight meditation) ..

they are great for getting a handle on emotional life and closure of past traumas.

[Gideon]

Women are ruled by their emotions. If you care for her I say help her out as much as you can to get her over this but it is an uphill battle. If you are young, your best bet is to probably just move on.

[ktchong]

You should move on. I have dated women with this kind of problem before.

Speaking from my experience: you can't help her. Move on. If you stick around, you will be dragged into her problem and negativity.

But maybe you can get some great sex out of her before you bid her sayonara. Unless she also has some sexual hangup, then you should just leave ASAP.

[Jasel]

I probably wouldn't date a woman who was sexually abused if I found out about it. Not the nicest thing to say I know but most people who have been abused or molested wind up with sexual or relationship issues that I really don't want to have to deal with. A normal relationship is hard enough without throwing that kind of baggage into it.

[avisitor]

One time while working, I saw a woman who looked really messed up. I got her file and read it ...
well, she was sexually abused as a child by her older brother. Their father had died when she very young.
Her mother was an alcoholic. She would tell her mother what her brother did and she would smack her and beat her.
The oldest sister was in a world of her own and blind to the abuse that was going on.
So it continued. Almost everyday her older brother would come home from school and abuse her for a year.
Later, she got a boyfriend and got pregnant very young. Dropped out of high school.
Straightened out for the pregnancy and birth. Cute little boy was born. But, the two got into drugs ...
to support their habits .. her boyfriend robbed houses and she sold her body on the street.
That little boy was taken in by her older brother and his wife. They have two kids of their own. And his wife knows of the abuse cause in a drugged out stupor she went to their home to yell at him about the abuse.
The older sister tried to get her into rehab. But, she always went back to her boyfriend (father of her baby boy).
Always back to her boyfriend and the drugs. Now, this woman looked like she was in her early fifties but
the birth date on her said that she was only 28 years old at that time.

Okay, this is completely fictional ... but my point is that sexually abused girls aren't good girlfriend material.
She needs help. And that help is usually much more than any boyfriend can provide.
I hate to say it but, ktchong is right. You will only be dragged down into her negativity.

hey, if she doesn't need a psychologist, why do u wanna be her psychologist?

but, if she's so emotionally a wreck, then maybe you can take her to a psychologist or go on a silent meditation retreat together, they are all over in north america (google insight meditation) ..

they are great for getting a handle on emotional life and closure of past traumas.

I've said this before ... meditation isn't a cure all. It won't help. There are issues beyond the aid of simple mediation
You really should learn the boundaries of what you can do to help others. It will help keep you safe too.

This post has been edited by avisitor: Jul 4 2011, 10:04 PM

[tangawizi]

thanks avisitor, i don't mean to suggest meditation as a panacea or cure-all... but sometimes, a person in a crisis may not know there are possibilities of a self-healing process that take place during a period of introspection that is found during a silent retreat...

of course the teachers in a silent meditation retreat are not psychologists, but sometimes, we are our own best psychologists for closing the traumas of our past... and I suggested these silent retreats because they are organised in an environment that is safe and practical for the novice. If the novice can't deal with the meditation and self-introspection, they will be guided by the assistant teachers to seek medical help.

much as i need to be careful about the boundaries of what we can do to help others, we need to be careful how others take our words and speech...

you supported ktchong's advice to the OP that he should just use his ex-gf for sex and bid her sayonara has about as much care as a buffalo in a china shop, but that's just my opinion.. hey.

[kim_kayie]

everybody has a chance, give that girl a chance if not as her lover but as a friend or a person.
but do you guys mean that if you are sexually abused you dont have the right to love and be loved?

[avisitor]

thanks avisitor, i don't mean to suggest meditation as a panacea or cure-all... but sometimes, a person in a crisis may not know there are possibilities of a self-healing process that take place during a period of introspection that is found during a silent retreat...

of course the teachers in a silent meditation retreat are not psychologists, but sometimes, we are our own best psychologists for closing the traumas of our past... and I suggested these silent retreats because they are organised in an environment that is safe and practical for the novice. If the novice can't deal with the meditation and self-introspection, they will be guided by the assistant teachers to seek medical help.

much as i need to be careful about the boundaries of what we can do to help others, we need to be careful how others take our words and speech...

you supported ktchong's advice to the OP that he should just use his ex-gf for sex and bid her sayonara has about as much care as a buffalo in a china shop, but that's just my opinion.. hey.

No, I didn't support his view of using her for sex.
Read the sentence after I said he was right. That was what I meant by he was right.

Here it is again for you (highlighted in blue)

"I hate to say it but, ktchong is right. You will only be dragged down into her negativity."

I didn't mean to say he was right about everything.


@kim_kayie, everyone deserves the chance for love in their lives. But, not everyone is ready for it.
Being abused while young .. makes the mind of the abused unstable and not well balanced.
There comes issues that develop after the abuse .. some things turn into triggers for odd behavior

Being a friend sounds nice and most of us would like to help such traumatized people in need of help
But, the reality is they need help which ... the average person is not equipped to handle such problems
You really have to know how to handle special situations or you will only end up making things worse.

Now the other thing is they can really make life bad for their friends.
You have no idea how some can manipulate you and drag you down into their negativity.
I know you have a heart ... just beware.

This post has been edited by avisitor: Jul 5 2011, 09:01 PM

[SkyBurial]

One time while working, I saw a woman who looked really messed up. I got her file and read it ...
well, she was sexually abused as a child by her older brother. Their father had died when she very young.
Her mother was an alcoholic. She would tell her mother what her brother did and she would smack her and beat her.
The oldest sister was in a world of her own and blind to the abuse that was going on.
So it continued. Almost everyday her older brother would come home from school and abuse her for a year.
Later, she got a boyfriend and got pregnant very young. Dropped out of high school.
Straightened out for the pregnancy and birth. Cute little boy was born. But, the two got into drugs ...
to support their habits .. her boyfriend robbed houses and she sold her body on the street.
That little boy was taken in by her older brother and his wife. They have two kids of their own. And his wife knows of the abuse cause in a drugged out stupor she went to their home to yell at him about the abuse.
The older sister tried to get her into rehab. But, she always went back to her boyfriend (father of her baby boy).
Always back to her boyfriend and the drugs. Now, this woman looked like she was in her early fifties but
the birth date on her said that she was only 28 years old at that time.

Okay, this is completely fictional ... but my point is that sexually abused girls aren't good girlfriend material.
She needs help. And that help is usually much more than any boyfriend can provide.
I hate to say it but, ktchong is right. You will only be dragged down into her negativity.

I've said this before ... meditation isn't a cure all. It won't help. There are issues beyond the aid of simple mediation
You really should learn the boundaries of what you can do to help others. It will help keep you safe too.

Damn it, I read all that only to find out it's a "loljustkidding" story. -_-

[flipcombatmedic]

Definitely don't ask her "Who's your daddy?" during sex.

[Taln]

Basically I was dating a girl who has been sexually abused as a child. She has never had a bf before due to this issue and she makes a lot of decisions based on emotions (e.g we break up A LOT).

Only you can say whether the issues are worth taking on, but if you care about her two things need to come first. One she needs to see a good therapist (one that specializes in these issues) and two, do not try to take the place of a therapist. I had a business partner with issues from the same source and her coping mechanisms became self destructive when she tried to suppress her emotional reactions. Don't make yourself miserable, but if you want to continue in the relationship you are going to have to be the one who adjusts the most.

Women are ruled by their emotions.

Careful there, Gideon. Generalizations are often proven wrong, darlin'.
For that matter guys don't seem to get women's 3 week break from hormonal surges. <smirk>

[Flatlander]

Sad situation for your girlfriend. She's going to have the emotional issue of sexual abuse for a long time. I don't know how you think you can help her and, personally, I think you're just feeling sorry for her. If that's the case then you won't be able to help her at all. If you think you can change her - then you're just fooling yourself.

You said she "breaks up" with you a lot. You're a young man with your life ahead of you. Ask yourself if you want a healthy relationship with a mentally healthy girl or if you're willing to settle for this girl with the abuse issues?

Don't get her pregnant. That, you'll regret.

[mnmar]

Only real love can help her.

[k82562131]

hey, if she doesn't need a psychologist, why do u wanna be her psychologist?

but, if she's so emotionally a wreck, then maybe you can take her to a psychologist or go on a silent meditation retreat together, they are all over in north america (google insight meditation) ..

they are great for getting a handle on emotional life and closure of past traumas.

Totally agree with this. I've also dated someone with this background. Boy, she was a handful. She was sooo sensitive to everything. She cries a lot (no joke). She had trouble with confrontation. Hell, I was willing to support her if she decides to see a shrink, but she just brushed me off.

Then, whenever I have a depressing issue of my own, she tends to turn away, so I end up talking to my friends for support. So much for her being my "other half" huh? Still, til this day, I don't blame her because she had been victimized after traumatic events in the past. Suffering is what she is familiar with. She doesn't know how to be on the other side of things - if you get what i'm saying.

After a while, I felt like I was more of a psychologist to her than her boyfriend. I could only do so much. I personally don't believe the 50/50 rule in relationships. Depending who is more in need at a certain time, this rule number should swing back and forth in a relationship. It seems like I was the 80% in that 80/20 relationship the whole time as the supporter role. So yea, it didn't work out between us.

[tangawizi]

Going out with damaged people is not easy, but then, so is going out with boring nice and cheesy types too.

[avisitor]

Damn it, I read all that only to find out it's a "loljustkidding" story. -_-

Actually, the girl is real and so is her story.
Does that make you feel better???

Going out with damaged people is not easy, but then, so is going out with boring nice and cheesy types too.

Going out with boring nice and cheesy types??
Well, at least you can have a real relationship with them??

[BirdFeed]

hey, if she doesn't need a psychologist, why do u wanna be her psychologist?

but, if she's so emotionally a wreck, then maybe you can take her to a psychologist or go on a silent meditation retreat together, they are all over in north america (google insight meditation) ..

they are great for getting a handle on emotional life and closure of past traumas.

taking her to a psychologist would be incredibly insensitive and emotionally damaging to the girl if you did that to her. imagine you being sexually abused when you were young, haunting you for years and then meeting someone who you geniunely thought was special and brought up all the courage to tell them what happened and then later suggesting to go to a psychologist just hurts them even more. i know our intentions are there but its a generic fix and ultimately up to her whether she wants to do it.

i get what you're coming from with silent meditation but the main focus here is a method for her to deal with the emotions and past traumas. sometimes a girl just needs someone they trust and feel confident within their presence.

as for the the OP, if you feel you can't help her with just you being you then there are no real external fixes with substance that can, only the girl can make the decision to do so.

i agree what people have said about cutting her loose, but this applies to ANYTHING that is negative about a person. you can't be in a relationship where the other half is bringing you down when really they're suppose to make you feel special.

birdfeed's 2 kip.

[faydabakery]

has anyone had a relationship that worked out even though the significant other was abused?

[tangawizi]

taking her to a psychologist would be incredibly insensitive and emotionally damaging to the girl if you did that to her. imagine you being sexually abused when you were young, haunting you for years and then meeting someone who you geniunely thought was special and brought up all the courage to tell them what happened and then later suggesting to go to a psychologist just hurts them even more. i know our intentions are there but its a generic fix and ultimately up to her whether she wants to do it.

i get what you're coming from with silent meditation but the main focus here is a method for her to deal with the emotions and past traumas. sometimes a girl just needs someone they trust and feel confident within their presence.

I don't think most people are equipped to be that special someone who can help their 'sugar pie' go thru their past traumas and get some kinda closure.

The victim still needs specialist or spiritual help, sometimes, for years... or the victim juz grows old and die bitter...