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cloverleaves
post Mar 16 2011, 04:52 AM
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BingBingLiao
post Mar 16 2011, 02:24 PM
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QUOTE (cloverleaves @ Mar 16 2011, 05:52 AM) *
We used to get along great and I liked her, and she liked me. But then some time ago, it happened that I couldn't do what she says because of circumstances beyond my control, and now she keeps punishing me for it. It has been over a year. Sometimes I please her and it gets better for a week, and then she's at it again, and I'm back to square one.

My question is, if I keep ignoring her, will she eventually get tired of punishing me and stop? How long will this take?

I have this problem, every time she hurts me, I don't respect her more, I just respect her less and less, where I'm starting to talk down to her and disrespectfully, and then the punishments have gotten harsher and harsher. Can I ignore her? What is the best thing to do? I can't make up anymore, I'm too tired, because she will be happy for only a week, and will start the punishments again.

Help I might have to see her soon.


Advice for this kind of situation is that you better pack up and walk out the door. Because she will keep on pestering you until you loss you're mind and financial future. She is only making you suffer from the inside out. Because she blame you for her own personal issue she has with family or relatives. So you would be the obvious choice or a target to blame on. This will continue happing until you can't support her any longer.... trust bro..

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cloverleaves
post Mar 16 2011, 06:32 PM
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XigonCongchua
post Mar 16 2011, 11:21 PM
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I don't know what advise to give but OMG Bingbing's advise is one of the worst.

Been there. Done that. Yep I walked out of the door on my father. Only made things worse.

Only if Vietnamese parents can understand children's psychology. Perhaps talking them into taking a psychology class would help. But I don't think that will ever happen. Vietnamese parents don't want others to teach them how to handle their family.
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BingBingLiao
post Mar 16 2011, 11:43 PM
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QUOTE (XigonCongchua @ Mar 17 2011, 12:21 AM) *
I don't know what advise to give but OMG Bingbing's advise is one of the worst.

Been there. Done that. Yep I walked out of the door on my father. Only made things worse.

Only if Vietnamese parents can understand children's psychology. Perhaps talking them into taking a psychology class would help. But I don't think that will ever happen. Vietnamese parents don't want others to teach them how to handle their family.


Well in you're case, your a women. Which it isn't the same as guys because parents tend to be over protected of their daughters because of that asian mentality that asian women should never walk out like a man should do like you did Xigon. embarassedlaugh.gif That isn't right in their eyes or most asian family structure culture. But for a guy, they can find another women or girlfriend anyways. Its better if you are financially stable with lots of money in your account, then opposed to suffering the pestering from a girlfriend and her family. Which I myself married to my money first before looking for a girlfriend or a wife. Having girlfriend and wife at a young age can drain all of your hard earning money with uncertain future and a unstable financial crises at hand. embarassedlaugh.gif On another hand, at least I know if we ever wants to have kids in the future we are ready for it with a peace of mind. icon_smile.gif

Interesting Xigon, maybe you can tell me about you're love story sometime eh? beerchug.gif I enjoy listening to all kinds of love relationship stories since I hear them all the time. Which I learn plenty... icon_smile.gif

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XigonCongchua
post Mar 17 2011, 12:15 AM
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Whatever. Don't listen to his silly advise and don't leave your family, cloverleaves. I've been raised with strict parents too and I know how it's like. You just have to deal with them and they'll just get more easy on you as you grow because they will realize that you're a grownup already and you can make decision on your own.

Clover, this has never occurred to me but I'm sure I can tell you what's gonna happen if you spend all your money and fail. Your parents will sing the song, "C khng ăn muối c ươn / Con ci cha mẹ trăm đường con hư" (Hope you can understand that). They will say that you come to this miserable end because you didn't obey them. Children who disobey their children never come to any good end, as they believe. They will most likely be stricter on you, demand more obedience from you.

I would say try your best to prove to her that you're already a grownup and can make good decision. Show her that you can succeed in life without obeying her.
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cloverleaves
post Mar 17 2011, 07:38 PM
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XigonCongchua
post Mar 19 2011, 12:17 AM
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It's really bad but there's nothing much you can do.

If I were you, I would avoid her. Do whatever I want and try my best to do good in school and slam my successes into her face.
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Buddhalove
post Mar 19 2011, 12:21 AM
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QUOTE (cloverleaves @ Mar 16 2011, 04:52 AM) *
We used to get along great and I liked her, and she liked me. But then some time ago, it happened that I couldn't do what she says because of circumstances beyond my control, and now she keeps punishing me for it. It has been over a year. Sometimes I please her and it gets better for a week, and then she's at it again, and I'm back to square one.

My question is, if I keep ignoring her, will she eventually get tired of punishing me and stop? How long will this take?

I have this problem, every time she hurts me, I don't respect her more, I just respect her less and less, where I'm starting to talk down to her and disrespectfully, and then the punishments have gotten harsher and harsher. Can I ignore her? What is the best thing to do? I can't make up anymore, I'm too tired, because she will be happy for only a week, and will start the punishments again.

Help I might have to see her soon.


This's more like a child abuse case. Report your ordeal to the police.
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cloverleaves
post Mar 20 2011, 06:34 AM
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2vnspirit
post Mar 23 2011, 03:50 PM
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QUOTE (cloverleaves @ Mar 20 2011, 07:34 AM) *
Can I slap her back? What would happen?


oh dear,

I was under the impression these posts was on track .... ie. "how to be a good kid" until now !

you havent stated yr age bracket + how close yr relationship with her ?
Ask yrself few questions:
-what would a 'grown up' do in situation like this?
-how can i be/show myself to her that i'm a responsible one?

surely, by being reactionary and slapping adults who's been responsible for your state all those yester years wasnt gonna achieve much, but show that one is even more out of control, or tainted the relationship all together.

just be yourself, show her that yr always want her affection without being over-whelmed, that you can be a man of the house most of the time, but can also be naughty and deserved a slap from her from times , so you'll appreciate that close-net tradition of us Viets and East Asian tradition, honestly what can such elderly state of her can do physically pain to a growing man like you, those who quickly ask for 'physical abuse' calls are over the top if not outright nonsense ie. need to understand whatever you do, there Viet's tradition living in your relatives and your blood as long as you live ie. the saying "A good father gives his sons much punishments" ie. 'Yeu cho roi cho vot.' - that's how it is boys


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cloverleaves
post Mar 23 2011, 11:07 PM
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tangawizi
post Mar 24 2011, 01:05 AM
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just greet her and then observe her in silence ...

don't say any word ... a 'cold war' is best to keep tensions from rising.... after a long 'cold war', you can venture to have an engagement with her again when u feel ready to re-engage

but when u re-engage, again, watch her in silence, observe her in silence

in silence, your action will speak ever more LOUDER than your words

she will take your actions more seriously than your words if u remain silent and just observe

are u buddhist?

try and send some loving kindness to her when u are with her even though u are silent

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gardenslave
post Mar 24 2011, 09:10 AM
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QUOTE (cloverleaves @ Mar 23 2011, 11:07 PM) *
Sorry I don't agree. Is it really a saying? Punishing a person a lot is a sure way of making that person hate you, even though they'll be scared to death they won't admit it to your face. A good parent teaches with love, forgiveness, and guidance. Physical punishment, verbal abuse, are indications that a person is unfit for responsible parenting.

I think things are good now. I think slapping me made her happy enough to leave me alone. I did suffer a lot along the way, but I think she can't get on my case anymore. I just did not know Vietnamese culture before I met her, now I'll just have to be extra careful around her, and avoid her the rest of the time. So in the end, all those punishments did not make me love her more, it is making me do everything I can to stay away from her.


You never ever hit your elders back, that is social taboo in Viet society. You are reduced to something less than human with no upbringing if you do. I would kneel down and let my parents chop my head off (like in a rice harvest ritual human sacrifice or something) if that's what they demand in punishment. The point is being obedient is the very essence of child rearing in Viet society. You are raised to worship your ancestors, what they achieved and how they built Viet society, conform to the rules of society. They abhor something different and outrageous.

I feel that your situation here is a culture and generational clash with you being a young person with differences in values and tastes. It is more than just one incidence that you are describing. Vietnamese parents will always place unreal pressures on their children to achieve and maybe you are not realizing their expectations, which brings out the frustration and punishment. I sense that you are a very shy person maybe lacking in personal confidence. If you show some confidence that your are what you are and that your are comfortable with your own decisions then maybe she wouldn't look down on you; just like a bully will not pick on someone who is stronger than him/her. Stand up take the slap and don't let it affect you. A friend of mine came home late one day and found that her father was waiting at the door with a stick to punish her. She said to him ,'father, if you are going to punish me punish me already because I'm sleepy and want to go to bed.' After that her father was dumbfounded didn't know what to do and left her alone.

I would not follow any other peoples' advice to you on how to resolve your situation because for one you are grown up knowing what's right and wrong; second, you need a confidence boost in making your own decisions; third, you need to man up to your actions. My personal philosophy on this matter is it is better to find comfort with your friends than to follow their advice because no one knows this situation better than you and it is better for you to resolve it.



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cloverleaves
post Mar 24 2011, 04:05 PM
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2vnspirit
post Mar 25 2011, 02:00 AM
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QUOTE (cloverleaves @ Mar 24 2011, 04:05 PM) *
------- i try to resolve this on my own, but it's been making things worse; lacking knowledge in vietnamese culture, the more she disrespects me, the more i disrespect her back, it seems natural to me. i'm here because i really don't know what to do, i don't know what she wants from me. i did ignore her once, and she kept punishing me until i paid attention to her. you are right though, i think i'm letting her get to me, i'll try to be stronger.



Reading your post/s, the major concern I can see is your difficulties coming from (1) the Cultural clash + few others , such as generational gap, self-identity shaping, approval of freedom and or career direction etc.
The 'Cultural-gap' though, is the one important issue to understand those loved one of your own culture , and once you understand where you're coming from will help one be more confident individual !
It's not a bad thing trying to 'speak out' - or to have a second opinion ie. if you're lucky enough to find one on a public forum such as these .








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gardenslave
post Mar 25 2011, 08:59 AM
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QUOTE (cloverleaves @ Mar 24 2011, 04:05 PM) *
The thing is she's not my mother. Why is she so into my business? i just couldn't take her constant yelling and screaming at me, when i did nothing wrong, so i started to get her back, that's when it started going downhill, the punishments did not stop for months, one after another after another. i never got in trouble at school, i would say i'm pretty good in general, ok, i am drifting now in terms of career because i like my freedom, but i am happy about it, i don't see why it should bother anyone else. i don't know what her problem is with me, to be honest.


It's probably like one of those Tiger mom, aunt or strict relative syndrome. They want to shape you into one direction but you are going the other way. Just think of how they were raised in their culture and environment that puts them at the way they are now. Remember people back in their days do not have the same education and live in the same environment as you do. I suspect their life is a lot tougher which ingrains into their beliefs and it's hard to change that. I like the way of what you are doing here in AF, trying to learn and understand their ways and morals and not being closed minded to their actions. I proved that you are a smart and caring person.

QUOTE
i am not a guy btw. yes, i am shy sometimes. does it show on here? i try to resolve this on my own, but it's been making things worse; lacking knowledge in vietnamese culture, the more she disrespects me, the more i disrespect her back, it seems natural to me. i'm here because i really don't know what to do, i don't know what she wants from me. i did ignore her once, and she kept punishing me until i paid attention to her. you are right though, i think i'm letting her get to me, i'll try to be stronger


You're a gal?! You poor girl. I just read some of the other posters and assumed you were a guy. In that case, you should do what other Vietnamese girls would do: be aggressive and slap, cuss, kick, bite and kill, kill kill; run away to never never land in the sun set with your flowing ao dai blowing in the wind. But seriously, just drop kick and kill because Vietnamese women have the blood of Trieu thi Trinh where they just want to rebel and "ride the wind and walk the waves, slay the big whales of the Eastern sea, clean up frontiers, and save the people from drowning." I can read that you are shy by the gentleness of the way you write with some whining in between. I guess I should have suspect that you are a girl.

Anyway, you probably won't change her ways with every effort you try because her values are ingrained in her like a rock inside her head so just accept the way things are and let time erase the memories then you can have peace with yourself.

P.S. -the experience good or bad will make you richer as a person.
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cloverleaves
post Mar 28 2011, 08:11 PM
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DMLH
post Mar 29 2011, 03:29 AM
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QUOTE (cloverleaves @ Mar 28 2011, 09:11 PM) *
Thanks :-) Your post made me smile. And some things you wrote actually made me laugh. lol I actually changed her, and she seems to have become more lenient but with other adult children, letting them do whatever they want, and she has become more strict with just me. I think she is trying to get me back. Because I punish her back when I feel she has punished me way too much for the same thing. So she slapped me, I'm still upset about it, I guess I should let it go. No one has slapped me in my whole life, this was the first time, so it really shocked me.

I was starting to hate Vietnamese culture, but meeting a lot of nice people on here, I'm feeling better, and I think some Vietnamese are cool, I love ya! Thanks everyone :-)


The bold part shows your situation is nothing compared to other kids' who grew up in VN. I grew up in VN and saw kids getting hit by their parents/older brothers... everyday.

There was this guy who was my friend. He was the youngest child of the 7 children that his parents had. Since he was the youngest in his family, he suffered a lot. His dad, who was an abusive person (I never saw him hit any one except his children) would often hit him and his siblings (not just a slap on the face, oftentimes 5, 10, 20... hard slashes from 2 inch wide stick on his butt, legs, arms, sometimes kicks or a combination of the 2). And his older brothers and sisters would often scold at him and hit him, too (he dared not scold back or hit back, just endured it). Since he was the youngest person in his family, he had no one to vent his anger to, as a result, he became shy and quiet and lonely year after year, and it looked like that he was not mentally healthy as a result of this. In VN, younger persons have to respect older persons in the family (you cannot hit back your older brothers/sisters, uncles... , especially parents, it's a no-no) or else you will be called "hỗn"/"lo" (insolent) and may be disowned (if you hit back your parents). But, there are many people who don't give a rat @$$ about this morale code. I have seen people hitting back their older brothers/sisters, and even uncles/aunts too, a few even hit back their dads (these dads that got hit back by their sons, from my observations, weren't respectable dads; for instance, they were either heavy drinkers, gambling addicts, wife beaters or whorehouse goers... or the combination of several of these, but it's still considered "hỗn"/"lo" to hit back your dad by many people, no matter how bad he is, in VN). The relationship with their older brothers/sisters... may break after this but they still live.

In the old times, for their interests, Kings, rulers, landlords... often felt the need to teach the common people to respect those who are up the social ladder or else they will not be able to rule/stay up for long. I think communism was quite successful in Asia, partly because of this corrupt unfair feudal stuff.

The situation is much better now after a communist revolution but just imagine yourself being a beggar living a feudal society 200 years ago, I'm sure you don't wanna think about it. Because you are at the bottom of the social ladder, everyone can despise you. Your life would be miserable unless you try to ignore everything that is happening to you and accept your fate.

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cloverleaves
post Mar 29 2011, 05:43 AM
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