My parents have already begun setting up an arranged marriage for me, I'm a canadian born Indian, my parents are from Punjab. They've been very hard on the whole, 'trying to find a virgin' thing.

They told me this when I was mabye 4 years old, lol. I've decided to save myself for the girl I'm to marry, I mean.. isn't it only fair? If I'm marrying a girl who's expected to be a virgin I should be one myself right?

Besides that I think sleeping around is kind of gross.

What are your opinions on this?

Sounds fair enough.

Although, I think Jatt with gutts would beg to differ.

Ah, I've been reading through this forum and it seems he would. But everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
My parents have always been really firm on me being a virgin until marriage and I always found it kind of restricting but I guess I'm realizing it's fair that way.

On the other hand my dads brother who hates our family (a lot) lets his sons sleep around whenever. He's a bad person though (I can't even type all the stuff he's done ) but yeah.

If you don't mind me asking, does your definition of a virgin include abstaining from oral sex, anal sex, and any contact with another person's genitals?

Sorry to sound graphic, but you know how a lot of Desi "virgins" only abstain from vaginal intercourse.

Yeah, I know some Indian dads that give their sons condoms, but don't let their daughters talk to boys.

EDIT: I do respect parents who emphasize virginity for BOTH genders. A girl who waits that long in this day of age doesn't deserve a man who's been around.

Well, my definition of virgin, in the sense of what my parents want for me as a bride, is probably abstaining from oral, anal, and vaginal. The graphicness is okay, I'm mature enough to handle it =P.

I'm, in turn abstaining from that as well.

My dad makes it apparent to both me AND my sister that virginity is a must. It's a little controlling, and yes, he is a little more strict on my sister (but he really should be, she was caught cybering with 30 year olds online when she was 13 =\ so we're all protective of her. Thankfully she's out of that phase now. )

My parents are also getting a girl from rural Punjab, where virginity is more seriously taken, in my opinion, than here in Canada.

My cousin got an STD from all of his sleeping around (supported by his dad) and he's obviously not going to tell his future wife, which is sad because she'll catch the virus too.

Is it permanent, because he can get treated and cured if it's gonorrhea, syphillis, chlamydia, etc. Herpes isn't curable though.

I hope he's not that selfish to affect his kids. If a woman catches an STD and gets pregnant, that can screw things up. Some people end up not being able to have kids, because untreated STD's damage the reproductive system.

I'm not sure what it is, since our famillies aren't on good terms at all.
I hope he has the decency to not get married if he has AIDS or something =\ that's just terrible to knowingly affect somone.

seems reasonable enough, but do u think sleeping around is gross because of STD's also how do you feel about arranged marriages?



is he a gangster or just good old Indian drama lol

Sleeping around.. I just find it gross because you're giving something away that is meant to be sacred in a sense. Of course that's completely my personal opinion and I have nothing against those that do sleep around =P.

Arranged marriage, I was really against it at first, but a lot of arranged marriages in my family have been done well and the couples are happy. I just figure that if not my father (he's a bit of a jerk sometimes) my mother deserves to be happy, so I feel okay with the arranged marriage bit. I still have a say in it, and it's not like my dad is going to find me the ugliest beast on earth to marry. Both of my parents are looking out for me in that way so it's why I feel okay with it.

My uncle.. ugh.. he's just one of those guys that feels that women have no rights whatsoever. It's really pathetic.

You guys are all right. Both should be virgins. If you are not, you probably should go with someone thats not a virgin as well.


BTW NoAnger, I have a question. Does your uncle have no respect for his mother too? Thats something I always question myself about these people. Where do they hold their mother?

He doesen't respect his own mother, no. He doesen't respect his father either. Infact when my dad was going through a financial crisis, and was surviving off of my grandparents pension, my uncle wished that both of his parents, which are my grandparents, would die so that my dad would lose his financial support.

He's kind of an exception though.. he's messed up in the head. I'm not too sure on how actual women-abusers would act.

My dad has physically abused my mom in the past though (though not anymore) and he yells at his own mom a lot too.. so I'm not sure..

NoAnger, are you Sikh, Hindu or Christian Punjabi? If you don't mind me asking?

Wow.

Well your dad yelling at your mom makes sense since she beat him up. But I just dont understand peoples mindsets that respect their mom and their mom was beat their whole life. Are the moms an exception from all women?

... my mom didn't beat up my dad I'd love to see that though. Mabye you made a mistake in wording?

I'm not sure if they're an exception really. They could be for some. I know that my grandma was abused by my grandpa a LOT and my dad had to deal with it, and now he yells at his own wife, which is my mom. I pray that I never act like that when I'm married.

Sorry, yes, that was the wrong wording. I meant your grandma.

But ya I just have no respect for men who do that (depends on the situation though, like if a women cheats then I really could care less). My Moms Mom (my grandma) was beat up by her dad, and then when she got married to my Grandpa, he beat up her and my mom. Pretty crazy stuff.

It's a cycle. These events shape and affect us more than we think, especially when we're young and naive.

The daughters of abusive fathers also tend to date and marry men that are abusive towards them, or will become "jerk magnets." I'm sure you can prevent it though once you realize what's happening is wrong.

Yeah it's terrible how that happens.

It happens a lot in Asian culture really. Some women take control of the situtation and just dial 911, which takes a lot of courage in a sense, since it's really looked down upon to break up a family like that.




Yeah it seems to have happened with my dad expiriencing abuse and then putting my family through it. (to a minor extent thankfully)

My dad is arranging my sisters marriage. Since I cannot prevent it I can still have a large say on who is a possible option, my sister has say too. So I'll do all in my power not to get my sister paired up with a Jerk.

Ive got a question...

Where are women treated worse in your guys opinion, Pakistan or India?

A lot of the stuff you guys talk about sounds like things Ive heard done in Pakistan. I remember one recently (like last year?) where it was a little girl and they would burn her daily (I think with liquid), rape her, etc. Pretty sick stuff.

My instinct is to say Pakistan, but that's only because Islam holds women under control. It happens a lot in India too, but I've heard about far worse happenins in Pakistan, and also in Bangledesh.

In Pakistan I hear more about abuse in religious schools. Though in India, Pakistan, and even Bangledesh there is a big risk of Acid Attacks on women.

Acid Attacks? Whats the deal with that? Why that method in particular? Sounds gruesome.

From what I've heard it's basically when a guy makes sexual advances towards a girl, and she rejects, the guy gets acid (which is really cheap to buy) and splashes it on her face and body when she doesen't excpect it. This disfigures her for life ususally, and ensures that she won't be getting married.

Wow thats horrible. Someone should dump some acid on their face...

Yeah really. I've never really looked into how much jail time one gets for that kind of offense..

It's hard to tell because a lot of people don't report these things due to family reputation or fear. I'm pretty sure there are wackos that threaten to kill the victim if they tell

Men sentence = 0
Women sentence = DEATH!

Funny how these tribunals put women to death for being raped. What a load of bull. I remember talking to my Paki friend about this but he said he never knew about it. He grew up in Karachi so not sure if its done a lot there? I know there are child predators there that take kids and then make them prostitutes from what Ive seen on TV.

Yeah I can see that happening. It doesen't really seem that hard to believe either.




Yeah I hate that logic. It happened to a girl in Iran. She claimed that a middle aged man repeatedly raped her. She even spoke up in court and the judge gave her the death penalty because of her outspoken behaviour.

You're born in Canada and still getting an arranged marriage? The only people in my stateside family that get one came here when they were in their late teens or early twenties. Arranged marriage works in India, but getting a spouse from India is a bad idea imo. They go through a lot of culture shock and get homesick, believe me I've seen it first hand.

I've never heard of any sort of arranged marriage where it's set up when your four lol. The way I've seen it work is they usually meet a couple times for tea and the families get to know each other better as well. If things are working out well, they'll go out for dinner a few times and maybe the park. The potential bride or groom always has the final say on whether or not they wanna marry that person.

Well, although I do admit it could turn out bad, and I'm sure it has on many occasions, it hasn't gone badly at all in my family (or extended family) as of yet, which is why I'm giving the whole thing a try. I'm assuming we'd get passports for the spouses family too though.

It wasn't set up when I was 4, I'm sorry I think I worded it wrong. I was simply told at age 4 that my parents would be arranging my marriage, not that it had been arranged. I do have a large say in the matter, if I absolutely refuse I won't have to marry the potential bride. Same with the girl involved in the process.

More importantly, the girl usually gets blinded in such attacks.

Last time I checked, someone got 8 years in prison for an acid attack and was asked to pay restitution (i.e. he was made to pay for the girl's reconstructive surgery). However, such surgery only restores the victim's basic appearance, not the old face. More importantly, the new face isn't anywhere near as expressive as the old one.

The victim's lips are also usually burned clean off in acid attacks, so the victim is effectively left unable to communicate if she's also been blinded.

Needless to say, acid attacks are a crime against personhood, and IMO, it is the only crime for which retributive justice is ok. (since in my view, a criminal against personhood who shows no remorse during the trial looses personhood on the grounds of impaired judgement. And when a human looses personhood, human rights charters do not apply. Acid attackers should be given LWB and bathed in hydrochloric acid.)

However, stem cell reseach has the potential to completely restore acid attack victims (in theory), since all the lost organs can be regrown. Even the disfigured part of the skull can be regrown in a lab and grafted on. And since stem cells are harvested from the patient's own bone marrow, anti-rejection drugs are not needed since organs grown from stem cells are inherently compatible with the patient's immune systme if they are harvested from the patient.

But such advances in stem cell research are still to come. And even if such advances are made, the attacker still deserves life imprisonment (however, once the victim is completely restorable, then the need to disfigure the attacker is gone. Parole, however, should only become a possibility if the victim is completely restored AND the attacker shows remorse in front of a mental health comittee).

well good luck on finding a virgin

anyone can lie and say they are virgin when they are not

lol the girl can act innocent when she knows full well that she aint a virgin




what std did he catch?

I'm sorry, i don't mean to offend you, but if arrange marriage turned out good in your family,
then what are all these story of the males in your family beating up the females in your family?
Does that sound like a good stable happy marriage to u? Tell me honestly.

That's all on my dad's side of the family, that all traces way back. (and is still really bad)

On my moms side of the family there have been arranged marriages as well, however they've all worked out wonderfully.
So as I've said before. They can mess up, yes, but they've worked out well in my family.

As for my abusive stories. My father doesen't abuse my mother anymore. He's learned a lot more.

And it's totally fine. You didn't offend me at all, you're allowed to voice your opinion.



I forgot to leave that out. Jeeze.. blindness would be terrible. I've read about many acid attacks.. it really is a terrible crime.

If those things with the stem cell research could actually work out, I'd be really happy. I hope that works out for the survivors of acid attacks.



I realize that, and I can't really do anything about her being a virgin or not. Like I said it's something really important to my PARENTS. I'm just abstaining since I feel I should lose it to the one I marry, and that in the case that she actually is a virgin, it'd be unfair if I slept around all I wanted. And I don't like the idea of sleeping around.

I have no idea what STD he caught. His family and ours aren't on good terms so I doubt they'd tell us.

So what if the girl you marry, you later discover that she wasn't a virgin and that she lied, but you gave up your virginity to her. Would you leave her then?

ok how you come to know he has an std in the first place?

I mean, is it the way he looks? meaning like does he have rashes all over or sores or lesions so its obvious...
or its just a rumor which u think maybe true, or could it be that you over heard some of your family member
discussing it, or did he tell you?

hi

Now a days there is no virgin girls

Regrads

Azhar

Uk Desi Community Portal

Some times men kill their wives if they are not virgins.. It happens in villages in india.. Many times this goes unreported.. I don't think it happens that often in cities.. But whether cities or villages virginity is a big thing in india.

Azhar.. come on don't talk thru ur @$$.. WHat about ur sister then??? If u comapre indian girls to white,black, latin and arab girls ,desi girls do far less screwing around... Maybe ABCD's do cause they have to fit in and besides they are american or british first and then indian...

No Anger there are many imp things to look for in a woman then her virginity.. If the girl is good and u have a good feeling about her then marry. Forget virginity.

If I figured that out, I'd probably be a little upset at best, and then I'd get over it. It's not so much of a big deal that I need to freak out over it.

It's really a complicated story, actually =\. Long story short a relative of theirs who is also our friend, found out from them, and then told us.




Swathi, I realize that. Virginity isn't important to me, it's important for my parents (which is really odd, but it holds true with most traditional Indian marriages I guess).

If I find out she isn't a virgin, I wouldn't kill her. That's kind of extreme.. I'd just get over it.




Thats quite a broad generalization. I think there are virgins of every race.

y would i differ??? if a guy wants a virgin, he should stay virgin too. not all desi guys fu-k around. lot of them stay virgin until married.

I thought you said you slept with some Pakistani girls on RD, or were you just trying to piss people off.

Yeah this is true, it happens in alot of 3rd world/poor countries like philippines, indonesia. but child sex trafficing is more prevalent in non-conservative countries.


As far as virginity. If that's something you wanna look for, it is important for health reason. I hope she doesn't lie to you.

Even if she claims she is a virgin, we're both getting tested for STD's prior to marriage anyways.

Cant agree more. The problem comes when she says, "You dont trust me?". But screw that, you gots to make sure.

Arranged tend to be more successful the "love" marriage in the end. I really dont believe in the concept of "love". It's just delusion.


Also alot of liberals find it hard to respect moral ideal, which just shows you how in progressive are society really is. Societies that claim to be progressive/liberal have plenty of social ills they should find more time to speak against. Promiscuity, un-wanted preganancies, STD's, prostitution are all problems that "liberal" lifestyle brings. It's not something to promote. If watch American T.V. shows like "To Catch a Predator" it shows just how decayed morality is in the west. Which is why smut, porn, illegal and legal are a daily part of modern living.

I agree that some arranged are better than love marriages, but the same can go either way.

That's not something that resulted from Western culture. The only reason why it seems more prevalent is because they're taking the time to show you that on T.V. Most South Asians who view or experience decayed morality keep quiet about it.

There were quite a few fobs from India who got caught on that show.

It was probably the white-American's fault. After moving here, those Indians just had a bad influence. They would never be so tempted if they stayed back home.

Is "To catch a predator" the one where people pose are clueless under-aged girls and flirt with guys online with the objective to catch them and prove them as possible pedos?

I saw an Indian guy on a show like that once. His excuse made me laugh, "I just wanted to be her friend!"

Yeah, there were several Indian guys on that show. Oh, I've heard that " I just wanted to be your friend" excuse before used. Some of these people just don't get it.

Keep in mind some people will cheat on their spouses after marriage.

Its unfortunate that some people lie as well.

Sex with virgins is a good precaution for health reasons.