here's the first.....

Title : Why British think 80% of Singaporeans coming to UK to study law?


UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?

Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.

Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Singapore .

Visitor: Why do you say that?

Officer: Well, i've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say 80% of
Singaporeans I see here say they're here to read law.

Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something i never knew. Hard to believe
in fact.

Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next
Singaporean comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.

*Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Singapore comes to immigration
counter*

Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?

Ah Chong: Study lorr...

LOL...good one.
any more? I remember I used to get those forwarded email msgs about singlish talk when i was still living there.

Cultural Differences

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - The two fought and
one KILLED the other to have the lady.

Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - They both had the
lady TOGETHER.

Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - They killed the
lady to have EACH OTHER.

Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - The first man
claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor.
- The second man swam to another island to search for jobs.

Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - The first man rented
the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.

Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - The first man
kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.

Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - The lady ACCUSED
the first man of sodomizing the other because she was rejected by both.

Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - The two men
are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed.

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top !!!!

A Short Cute Story





Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"



Next, Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of

the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as

a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents

than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!



Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get

Anything. But your attitude should be positive

hahhahhaah

sure rough up some good old laughs in here

Ah Beng went to take night courses with the reasoning in future can get promotion or better job.

During work, Ah Beng likes to show off to Ah Seng about his knowledge.

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... I've been taking night courses for 3 months already, next week is the exam.
Ah Seng: Oh... Good luck ah.

Then Ah Beng started show off...

Ah Beng: Ok, I test you, who is Graham Bell?
Ah Seng: Don't know
Ah Beng: He is the inventor of phone la... in 1876, see... if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ........................ *speechless*



The next day, Ah Beng shows off again...

Ah Beng: Ah Seng ah... let me ask you, who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?
Ah Seng: Wash your toilet one ah?
Ah Beng: No! He's the author of "Confessions", nah nah nah... told you already, if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ......................... *speechless + frustrated*



The next day, once again...

Ah Beng: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?
Ah Seng: Your gay partner?
Ah Beng: Choiii!!! If you don't know don't simply answer la. He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Seng: ....................... *speechless + frustrated + irritated



This time Ah Seng cannot tahan (stand) anymore and ask Ah Beng...

Ah Seng: Eh... Do you know who is Ah Kaw?
Ah Beng: Errrr... No!
Ah Seng: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!!
Ah Beng: ........................ *fainted*

Subject: My pride & joy

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is
my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom
of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the
company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line
Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a

brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very
nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot
mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of
the three said, "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes
of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a
disappointment. " The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my
son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two
weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a
brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

I like the Ah Beng joke good one.

LOl....I liked all of them...

Hahahahahaha!!


After a month-long holiday in the US, my wife and I finally boarded the
plane in San Francisco last Sunday heading home.


As the plane reached cruising speed with the seat belt sign switched off, a

6 ft 3" black man with the build of Mike Tyson in the front row got up from
his seat, turned to face the back, raised his arm and yelled, "HIJACK!"


Everyone was frozen to the seat, expecting the worst to happen.
And two stewards were about to jump onto this guy to overpower him when
another voice answered from the back of the plane: "HI JOHN!"


The moral of the story is:
If you have a friend named Jack, for heaven's sake don't ever call him in
the plane. Otherwise you may land yourself in deep $hit.

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a
very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a
faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce straight away!"

And he replied:
"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to
me!"

And he began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took
pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not
well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I
brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night,
the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The
poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw
them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that
you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like
them.."

He took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said
"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband
was holding a battery operated pleasure device ... a vibrator ... soft,
wonderful and larger than a real one. She goes completely ballistic. 'You
impotent fake,' she screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of
these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy ... if you explain the kids.'

The Closet

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to
church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the
confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now."

haha...good one my fren

Cute ones. Keep posting.

What is Globalization?




Finally, a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate



Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?







Answer: Princess
Diana's death






Question: How come?







Answer:





An English princess with





an Egyptian boyfriend





crashes in a French





tunnel, driving a





German car





with a Dutch engine,





driven by a Belgian





who was drunk





on Scottish whisky,





(check the bottle before you change the spelling),





followed closely by





Italian Paparazzi,





on Japanese motorcycles;





treated by an American doctor, using





Brazilian medicines.






This is sent to you by





an Australian,





using Bill Gates's technology,





and you're probably reading this on your computer,





that uses Taiwanese





chips, and a





Korean monitor,





assembled by





Bangladeshi workers





in a Singapore plant,





transported by M'sian





lorry-drivers,





hijacked by Indonesians,





unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,





and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....





That, my friends, is Globalization!

hahahaha, sooo funnnyyy

You're Probably Chinese if...

* You eat rice for breakfast.
* Your friends and everybody else assume you know Kung Fu.
* You remember or still use "the bowl" for haircuts.
* Your folk�s kitchen have a constant lingering aroma.
* You notice the main topic at family get-togethers is food.
* Your parent�s lifelong ambition is to go to Las Vegas.
* You never ever sat down on Popo�s warm chair after she got up.
* You seldom ever owned new clothes if you were a second child.
* Your folks never speak under 10 decibels at family gatherings.
* You never made the school football or basketball team.
* You have two middle initials instead of one.
* You have an inherent "fear" for bamboo feather dusters.
* Your "hot" date is going to your parent�s house to have "jook".
* Your living room sofas have covers on them.
* You laugh at Kan Tong and Chung King commercials.
* You inform the ticket clerk that your 13 year old is 12 to avoid paying adult fare.
* You sneak in snacks at the movie theater.
* Your grandmother smell like mothballs.
* You�d bring home a Caucasian friend and "popo" would be cooking something that smelled like it had died a week ago.
* You were told you all look alike.
* You know how to pinch someone with your toes.
* You graduated from UCI or knows of someone who did.
* You would drive around the block 10 times rather than pay for parking.
* You have a hard time pronouncing "aluminum" and "lobster claw".
* You truly believe that your neighbor could use that old sweater rather than throwing it away.
* You would take that sweater if you were your neighbor.
* You would stand in line for hours and hours for a free gift whether you needed it or not.
* You have clothes in your closet that is coming back in style.
* You�ve seen every Bruce Lee movie.
* You still have your old slide rule.
* You never order chop suey or egg foo young.
* You have a relative or friend who works as a waiter or cook.
* You prefer your chicken and shrimp served with heads and feet still attached.
* You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.
* You spit bones and other food scraps on the table (that�s why you need a vinyl tablecloth).
* Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles.
* You buy on sale 100 rolls of toilet paper and store them in a closet or in a vacant room when your adult child moves out.
* You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas when its 50% off.
* Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it.
* Your stove is covered with tin foil.
* You have stuff in your freezer since the beginning of time.
* You have never used your dishwasher.
* You use your dishwasher as a dish rack.
* You boil water and put it in the refrigerator.
* You keep a thermos of hot water available at all times.
* You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
* You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
* You eat all meals in the kitchen.
* You bring oranges or other produce with you as a gift when you visit peoples homes.
* You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
* You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully to save and reuse wrappings and bows.
* You feel like you�ve won the lottery if you didn�t have to pay tax for an item.
* You starve yourself all day before going to an all you can eat buffet.
* You stop dialing 411 information when they started to charge for each call.
* You only call long distance after 11 PM.
* You suck on salty preserved seeds for a sore throat.
* You keep a stash of Li Hing Mui at home.
* Your eyes resemble dime slots when you laugh.
* You know what the term "FOB" and "ABC" means.
* You laugh at Martin Yan�s jokes not because he�s funny.
* Your parents have a glass jar of preserved limes aging on top of the roof.
* You own a wok.
* You know what a "bow" is�and it doesn�t mean to bend over.
* You never eat fried foods when you�re sick (it creates phlegm and hot air).
* You would prefer your fish entree staring at you on the dinner table.
* You never discuss your love life with your parents.
* Your parents still use a clothes line.
* You save your old coke bottle glasses even though you�re never going to use them again.
* You keep most of your money in a savings account.
* You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
* You�ve joined a CD club at least once.
* You keep used batteries.
* You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics.
* You�re always late.
* You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don�t eat the last piece of food on the table.
* You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
* Your dad thinks he can fix anything.
* You live with your parents and over 30 years old (and they like it that way). And if you�re married, you live in the apartment next to your parents, or in the same neighborhood.
* Your parents house is always cold.
* You beat eggs with chopsticks.
* You never use measuring cups.
* You reuse tea bags.
* You tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more.
* You never call your parents to say hi.
* You always cook too much.
* Your parents always ask you if you�ve eaten, even though it�s midnight.
* Your parents send money to their relatives in China.
* Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you�re sick.
* You have a drawer full of used pens, most of which don�t write anymore.
* You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurant.
* Your parents never go to the movies.
* You notice at dances, a wall of guys standing together trying to look cool.
* You iron your own shirts.
* You play a musical instrument.
* You don�t own any real Tupperware, only used margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.
* You never leave any leftovers on the table in a restaurant. You have it put in boxes or finish it.
* Your ketchup, mayonnaise, and mustard in the refrigerator are all "Price Club-size".
* You have an assortment of condiments and utensils from fast food takeouts stuffed in a drawer.
* You never order for room service.
* You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine, or law.
* Your parents are never satisfied with your grades.
* You own a rice cooker.
* You buy rice in 50 pound sacks.
* You wash rice 2 to 3 times before you cook it.
* You steam something on top of your rice while its cooking.
* You have acquired a taste for bitter melon.
* You like congee with thousand year old eggs.
* You always carry a stash of food when you travel like preserved plums, beef jerky, or dried cuttlefish.
* Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their guests brought to be courteous.
* You know what MJ means.
* You pick your teeth at the dinner table, but you cover your mouth.
* You have a piano in the living room.
* You live in an apartment and your parents always want you to come home.
* You have a rice cooker to check in at the airport when you travel.
* You grow your own bean sprouts in the kitchen.
* Your mother made you peel water chestnuts and snow peas.
* You have an lonely unmarried relative who frequently drops by during dinner time.
* You received little red envelopes containing money on special occasions.
* You use the underside of a porcelain bowl to sharpen your knives.
* You cut your own hair�or had someone in your family do it.
* Your grandmother has a lot of gold teeth�especially in front.
* You keep fresh garlic and ginger in the kitchen at all times.
* You know what the term "lemon" or a "banana" means.
* You only have to shave every other day (maybe).
* You tell your friends that you�re starting a new mustache when you really had it for several months.
* You wash and reuse ziplock bags.
* You save your children�s halloween candy and give it out the next year.
* You either love or hate "mooncakes".
* You know at least three people named Alan Wong.
* Your parents constantly complain you use too much toilet paper when you go to the bathroom.
* You hated that black herb medicine that your parents forced you to drink when you were sick.
* Your parents have kitchen towels made of old cloth rice bags.
* You never drank milk after eating cherries.
* You�ve swallowed those tiny "BB�s" with hot tea for a tummy ache.
* Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.
* You�ve asked your parent�s help on one math problem and 2 hours later they�re still lecturing.
* You shop at 99 Ranch Markets.
* Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friend�s kids.
* You�ve had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest, or library.
* You�ve had to eat parts of animals that they don�t even put in hotdogs.
* You have piles of shoes and slippers blocking the entrances to your home.
* You have no eyelashes!
* Your idiot friends try to impress you with pathetic imitation languages, like the ever so popular "ching chong woo bok chi"�etc.
* Your biology lecture on marine life (seaweed, octopii, sea cucumbers, etc.) was last night�s dinner.
* You have at least one family member who wears black wire or plastic framed glasses.
* You have several relatives who wear glasses�thick glasses.
* You like $1.75 movies
* You like $1.50 movies even more!
* Your parents never kissed you�your parents never kissed each other.
* Your friends ask you to translate the scribbles on chopsticks (like you really know what it means!).
* You call all your parents friends "auntie or uncle".
* You get nothing if you do well in school, but get in big trouble if you don�t.
* Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees�you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top.
* Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow" into them and wear them for years to come.
* Your family always cheer for the Asian athlete competing (eg. Michael Chang, Michelle Kwan, etc).
* Your parents or relatives have goldfish swimming in an aquarium.
* Your first generation relatives have a statue of an obese, bald-headed man surrounded by children.
* Your parents collect jade jewelry.
* Your friends from China think anything from the old country is considered "good stuff".
* You know not to eat the oranges or tangerines arranged in a little pyramid.
* You always drink tea after a meal.
* Your dad owns at least one bird.
* Your parents grow vegetables in a garden.
* You use doilies to decorate your furniture.
* Your friends automatically assume you�re good at math.
* You are good at math!!! (the hell with humility).
* You know how to pick out the meat in watermelon seeds with your teeth.
* Your grandmother rapped your knuckles with her chopsticks while reaching food with your fingers.
* You are now planning to Email this list ASAP to another Chinese friend!