I am a 23 yr old Chinese girl with Indonesian and Dutch ancestry living in Singapore. My boyfriend is a 24 yr old Indian guy originally from West Bengal, Kolkata, but is now working in Singapore. We met during yoga classes held locally and a sincere friendship began. He is a yoga instructor and I am a student member of the yoga centre. Before long, we could feel the chemistry between us and we became a couple.

As I am aware of how traditional his family is, and how his older brother just had an arranged marriage this year in June, I asked my boyfriend if he was sure he was serious about us and if he had any family traditional obligations (i.e. arranged marriage) and he assured me wholeheartedly that his parents have never forced him to do anything he didn't want to and they have never mentioned arranging a marriage for him at all, so he said he was certain, no obstacle would be in the way of our relationship.

We were together for 4 months and it was smooth sailing and loving, we cared for and respected each other. But when his brother and sister-in-law came to visit him in town for 2 weeks, during this time, I felt something changed. I could sense he was more distant and I had less contact from him than usual, so I asked if anything was wrong and he said no, he just had to spend time with his older brother (whom he respects and looks up to alot) and sister-in-law while they were in Singapore. He claimed that juggling work while entertaining his brother at the same time is tiring so he apologised and assured me everything will be back to normal when his brother returned to India.

However, after the 2 weeks, he remained unusually distant, saying he was very tired and busy with work, so he has no time to call me. Although we still see each other in the yoga training centre, we have to pretend we are not in a relationship so as to avoid unwanted gossip and problems arising from the yoga centre management, as it is not encouraged for instructors to have relationships with the members. So you can imagine, being able to see him everyday during his yoga lessons but unable to be free and open without hiding the fact we are a commited couple.

So once again, I probed him and asked why was he acting so different and unusually distant? He told me that during the 2 weeks, he consulted his brother about our relationship and informed (hinted to) his parents over the phone about his possibility of being with a non-Indian non-Hindu girl. His parents said if he wanted he could, but they thretened to disown him as it is looked down upon in their culture and tradition to marry foreign women outside of India. So he said, he took alot of time to consider everything and he decided that he had to oblige his parents as he respects and loves them ( which I am happy to see he is a devoted son, but devastated that he wasn't willing to put up a fight for me).

Now, it's been 2 months since we broke up and we still see each other everyday but we no longer talk and he seems to be trying to avoid me, to the extent of not making any eye contact with me or greeting me when I walk by. I am afraid to push him further so I thought I should give him his space maybe in time he will warm up to me again.

My main worry is, do you think he is using "arranged marriage" as a convenient excuse to breakup with me and to avoid unecessary confrontations from me, or is he seriously in love with me from the start but is forced to sacrifice his love for his family's sake???? I'm doubting his words because of the way he is treating me now. Why can't we be friends instead of him treating me like a total stranger or a disease?

Any kind words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Honest opinions will be respected although I may disagree with some.

I will say that he is using arranged marriage as an excuse to break up with you. From what I am hearing from friends, relatives, and cousins back home, if people want to marry someone they love, they do end up marrying them, even if their parents oppose it. AND parents have come to accept these marriages as well. Arranged marriage is still the norm, but those who do want to marry someone they love, do get what they want.

bottom line: if he really wanted to be with you, he would be. move on

I understand where you guys are coming from and have heard of such things, but I've also heard that some parents really object to it as it does with Non-Indian parents. Love marriages are becoming more acceptable these days but his older brother DID get an arranged marriage.

Which is why I am still finding it uncertain to totally dismiss his reason as a "convenient excuse" to breakup.

He had a heartfelt talk with me, telling me that his parents told him it is a tradition they cannot break and they want him to marry a girl of their choice, where she matches their caste and his own person.

I really trust him but seeing how cold he is treating me makes me start to have doubts about his sincerity in the first place.

Thanx for the reply and opinions though, I appreciate them. Just torn between my heart and my head.

either way he doenst want to be with you. why does it matetr the reason. he ignores you now, so let it be. get over it. and you definately wont attract him back by trying.
sorry.

Sigh, thanx again for your advice, but it doesn't seem to help much....thanx again though...yea

I hope it's okay to add a comment here, although my problem wasn't Indian parents, but Chinese parents in KL.

Recalling your mention of the "chemistry" at the start, I would hope that your judgment of character was fairly correct all along, and that people who respect their parents often have little choice but to follow instruction regardless of whether they agree. It must be a hard decision, having parents you've known all your life taking some antiquated stance that excludes the one you now love from marital equations. No way of knowing, but that parental influence might be the catalyst for the change in current arrangements, and not you personally.

My girl and I had a nice little rented house not far from campus in 1998. Two dogs, a cat, three birds and a tank of tropical fish. She went back to Malaysia for a quick three-week trip to see her parents when she finished her degree, and I kept on watering the garden and feeding the pets, and waiting.

After a month, we spoke on the phone. She told me she wasn't coming back now, and could I send all the stuff she'd left behind back to KL? Her parents said that I was too old (30 vs 23), too married (married at leisure at 21 and divorced in haste at 24), and get this finale, too "caucasian".

It still hurts and Melissa, if you're ever online here and still working for the public relations department of the WWF, I remember every day we spent together and still wish we'd kept in touch.

It hurts when you find out that the person you were born as, and can't change, is okay in the eyes of someone you love, but not his or her parents. Be friends and move on, and I strongly believe that it was not some excuse to break up with you, but the parents' decision alone.

Hey thanx for the reply or sharing your similar experience. I would say yes, I believe my judgement of character is fairly correct but I'm not saying it is 100% all the time. I could further add that my mother knew my Indian boyfriend before I even knew him and judging by how people in the centre praise him as hardworking, serious, dedicated and friendly and nothing bad so far, I would say it adds up to his credibility, but then again due to my own paranoia, he is also human and is not perfect so I guess I also doubt him at the same time. sigh

I truly pray he was sincere as I cannot bear to be treated so lightly especially by someone I hold so dear to my heart.

I believe that race or religion shouldn't really matter unless they cause conflict between 2 or more people and thus harmony of such a union would be near impossible.

"too caucasian" is a joke, because I don't know how anyone can quantify how "too much" a person can be of something.
Sigh, racism, stereotyping, socio-economic level....sigh it just segregates us all even more. What happened to love? Am I too idealistic? if the answer is yes, then i rather die holding on to these ideals than to be without.

Why can't everybody see that everybody is the same!? *exasperated at the world*

@xtin77 you should talk to your Indian boyfriend again and make things clear if you are that much serious, ask him to let you or your parents talk to his parents or brother if it is possible. Parental concent matters, but if he is really serious about you then he will surely go for you. You and your boyfriend need to compromise a little because you both have different cultures and backgrounds, ask him if he has any apprehentions whether you could adjust with his famiy or not.

Not really, why piss off your family? Getting into a good extended Indian family is a blessing for anyone.

Now the Chinese girls want our guys...

We were together for 4 months

sorry

he just isnt that into you

4 months, no matter the chemistry - isnt enough time to love someone and give up family or lifestyle for them unless you wear your heart on your shoes and enjoy tripping on it and wondering why you fall for everyone you meet

Immature lust


count your losses and move on

totally agree..
me non indian.. went out with a pure indian man.. we were about to lol elope..
coz his parents were totally against the relationship...
bu i wasn't just that so into him...

but like what corky said..
move on

Word. Plus it's more painful to remain "friends" so just try your best to avoid him also.

My bf is very very Catholic and I'm very very not anything and they are going to disown him soon when they find out we're moving in together.

Sorry, but I believe it goes both ways. Anyways, my indian boyfriend showed interest in me first and he made the first move, I only followed after I began to see what a wonderful guy he is. So don't blame me. You should blame him.

And we are all humans, we are all the same. IN interracial relationships, as long as it is sincere and not superficial, race shouldn't be seen as an obstacle between 2 consenting parties.

I can assure you that it is not "immature lust", how can you simply label it that when you don't even know us or the whole story. Don't assume. yes, maybe 4 months is short . Ok. not enough time to love someone and sacrifice. Plausible. I wear my "heart on my shoes" and falling for everyone I meet? No chance in hell. I do not fall for anyone. Period.

A rather unfortunate position to be in xtin77 sorry to hear.

Yours is not the first case someone has posted a story like this I have seen a post by an ethnic Chinese girl of her break buried somewhere in Indian chat. Genuinely I think the male could no longer be with the girl because they were with each other till the last days until they parted ways and they still communicated through email despite the far distances I think they are still friends.

It is quite rare nowadays that family will disown their child for marrying outside their race. Although quite rare I have friends who have parents who strictly will not allow anyone outside their race marrying them sad but true.

In your case my feeling is if he genuinely cared about you and your feelings he would have perhaps discussed this with you before you having to awkwardly having to find out whats wrong. If marrying outside seems to be the problem I would expect that he relate to you as a close friend.

However much I like to speculate I think its best to move on and try occupy yourself with other things like seeing close friends and doing your own favourite activities to get through the difficult stages of having to move on. I think the sooner you decide to move on the less wear and tear it will have on you mentally and physically but try and lighten up the sun will rise again.

Thanks for your encouragement Randi. I believe that what you say is quite true, but then again when I think back on what my ex said or did, he didn't show or prove to be a irresponsible person, in fact he is rather rigid in the sense that, he is very prim and proper and has respects for his elders. He has met my mother, and my mother accepts him, in fact whenever I tend to speak to my mother in a rude tone, he will later on admonish me for not respecting my mother. Seeing from that one incident and many more similar episodes, I can safely and surely say he has a deep rooted respect for his elders etc. I can't believe such a person would hold such principles yet able to be so cruel in using my emotions. Thus my dilemma. To believe him and take his words for face value, or continue to breakdown his every word or action and try to put a definition to it.

Well, if I were dating a chick my parents really disapproved of, i'd definately end it. I think he was telling the truth, since he only started becoming distant from you when his bro came to visit. I doubt its a coincidence. In addition to this, its probably much better for both of you that he ended it early on, knowing his parent's wishes. If he kept dating you knowing that he would never marry you would be pretty nasty of him, IMO.

there is no story

4 months isnt a long time even living with someone, if it were a story, it would be a short one.

You seem to think this is the guy you should spend your life with after 4 months of dating, that he should throw his family aside for 4 months.
He has too much shame to talk to you

He ended the relationship

You dont talk

Dont be a stalker

Dont push for something with someone who goes around as if you dont exist




Count your losses
Put the monkey in the cage
Better to have loved than lost
move on - dont make 4 months your life story

Fair enough. I agree. But I would like to clarify I wouldn't want him to "throw his family" for my sake. I just felt he could have put up a bit more of a fight for me since he claimed that he was sincere and certain nothing would tear us apart. I admit I would have loved for us to get to know each other and get married, but I didn't mean that when I want him to be with me now means we should be wed, I feel it should have been given more time and a stronger chance to grow. It's like a seed that wasn't given a chance to grow into a tree.

While reading your post , it flashes back to my mind what happened to me few months back.

But fortunately, my man and I didnt broke up. Its a big test for both of us though. Arranged marriage is not a new issue specially to Indian culture.

Nowadays, some Indian men dont go with what their parents want. I believe if your boyfriend truly loves you he would put up a fight for you as what my boyfriend did.I even wanted to quit when i found out about that because I got afraid they would disown my boyfriend but he didnt care

There maybe 2 reasons why he was avoiding you, its either he's using that "arranged marriage" as an excuse just to favor his parents or obviously he doesnt have the guts to fight for you.WE actually dont know his reason. Unless he told you the reason of the breakup.
I think not talking to you during your yoga class was his way of getting over you. Im sure he's hurt too but he doesnt want to make it hard for the both of you. You can write and tell him what you feel so he would know even without talking to each other. Tell him how much he means to you and how badly hurt you were when you separated. If you demand for an answer why he just suddenly changed , ask him because you got the right to know and not because its a favor.

If he really loves you, time will tell. No matter how long you didnt talk or see each other he'll find a way to see you again. He will look for you and long for you, if he truly wants you and needs you in his life.
He will come to realize that he should go after you rather than go for what his parent's demands.

If you want to wait , give him time. Dont search just wait.
What is destined to be yours , no matter what happens that will be yours. Goodluck!

Sorry to be real blunt. The Indian guy just wanted outside punani. He knows how his parents/family are already, I came to this conclusion that he didn't really care for you and that you were a fling, just easy meat for the dogs from these passages.


Since he didn't stand up for you it goes to show that he wasn't really serious about you. And the sincere part honey, that's called sweet talking. Seems like you got played and your heart broken. He was in it for the punani, nothing more. He's what people in the West would called, a "player", a "pimp", a "don juan", "casanova", etc. He didn't give a damn about you, if he did, he would have fought tooth and nail to be with you.

Case in point I have a Chinese friend that is married to a Mexican girl. His parents really disapprove of it, they looked down at Mexicans for being poor, crime ridden, unsuccessful, etc. It didn't go well with the Chinese traditional Confucian values, what did he do? He fought tooth and nail to be with her. And no he isn't some disobedient kid, he just wanted to be with someone he cared for.

And if he did care for you and didn't stand up for you, what does that make him? A real certified punk. A man that can't stand up for what he believes in isn't worth having. Time to cash in your chips, recoup your losses and move on.

I agree completely. He hasn't even known you long enough to get his parents upset over you, and you guys hadn't been together long enough to have that deep of a relationship anyway.


That sounds about right.

There are a lot of conclusions being drawn into this as well as matters that we simply cannot comment on (e.g. 4 months argument).

Interracial relationships are complicated and often lead to problems such as these. It's a shame because many have potential to be happy relationships.

I don't have an answer as to whether the guy was being honest about his parents and feelings, I don't know him so there's no way I can know. The only person that can know how much truth there was is the guy, and even he may be in denial.

Some Indian families are accepting of interracial marriages, but some also aren't (as is the case with all people). Whether his parents would disown him or not is tough to call, we cannot say unless we know his parents.

In the end though, it takes both people to make a relationship work, and if he wasn't willing to commit to it, then it wouldn't ever succeed. xtin, how would your parents react to you being with an Indian? Did they know about it? with your background I guess they might be more open to the idea.

My ex was Chinese and one of the many contributing factors to our unsuccessful relationship was our cultural differences/backgrounds. I don't think either of us were able to commit to each other despite caring about each other at the time. If it's similar to your guy, then chances are he probably cares deeply, but is afraid to commit to the relationship and fears the repercussions. If possible, I'd say take Vaman's advice and clear the air to find out what's in his head, there's no need for such awkward behaviour between the two of you (especially if you see each other regularly in class).

Essentially, I think the two of you need an open and clear conversation to decide how to proceed, whether to break it off (in which case I suggest you probably find another yoga class) or continue and try to reason with his family. Leave things in this awkward state and I fear you (and possibly him) may get even more hurt. Should you decide to have a conversation, don't try to force him into it and don't try to force matters, because the more you push the further apart the two of you will become.



You have an Indian boyfriend?

interracial dating and marriage is ONLY for the mentally strong. you must be psychologically healthy to filter out the negativity from society and STILL know that you are a wonderful human being.

First of all I think if your in your early 20's your still pretty young. In North America its not too often people at that age get married (not saying it doesnt happen).

Second of all I could predict some culture clashes here. It would be different if both of you were living in the same culture for some time. For example if you & him was born in America you would ahve some similar cultural connections through American culture (even though you might retain some of your back ground culture).

Third at your and his age I dont think you would have known each other that long.
(To be quite honest I think he only wanted to use you for sex or at least have a temporary girlfriend with no intention of ever marrying you. Take it as a life lesson and move on. )

Not among Western countries its not. Interracial marriage has become more and more frequent in North America, UK, Australia etc. It has become alot more socially acceptible there.

Keep in mind.
Race and ethnicity are not neceessarily the same thing.

One could be of different races but be born in the same culture (like in North America).

i do understand the difference btwm race and ethnicity.

even though the number of interracial marriages are up does not mean that it is socially acceptable.

even though interracial couples are marrying does not mean that hostility doesn't exist. go look up racial hate crimes stats.

thats exactly what i am saying. the guy choose family obligations over her. thats his right and she should respect it. end of.

I would think hate crimes is something else all together. It doesnt matter if its an interracial couple or not those guys would ahte you regardless. From what I understand they are up partly because they are more organized and are better to promote their ideology over the internet (like that stormfront site).

I do beleive its alot more socially acceptible (at least in North America). Its not like in the 1950's.
I see interracial couples on the streets quite often.

To Dette: Thanks for sharing your experience, it helps to know there are similar situations that might lend a clearer perspective on this.

I agree wholeheartedly that if my Indian guy had truly loved me enough, he would have fought tooth and nail to be with me but not to show he is a rebellious son. Thus, I do believe when some say he doesn't love me enough to be with me and thus some (even I) come to the conclusion that he is a player or insincere.

He was actually on talking terms with me and showed concern over me to see how I was coping after he broke the news to me, so that could signify that he wasn't a jerk (but we never know for sure). He would still text message me on my cell phone etc ( I know it may not signify anything more than maybe his guilt?) and we would still talk and greet each other in the yoga centre, I admit I guess I sort of forced him to avoid me when I began to cry publicly in the centre thus arousing people's curiosity and his fear of being found out by the management (thus risk losing his job in the centre).

About his filial piety, before we began to date, I already knew of his deep respect for family and elders, it can be seen when he gently admonished me to speak gently to my mother even though I may be right, because she is my mother and I must respect her thus. He would speak lovingly of his parents' and older brother, you could see the glow in his eyes. Sometimes when I speak to him at night on the phone, he would inform me that he needs to call home to India to speak to his family (their way of staying connected even while overseas). Seeing how much he values family and tradition, I believe that he can't be all that of a "player" or "jerk" or "cassanova". It just doesn't go together and doesn't make sense.

Hence, I am confused as to whether he was real or fake in our relationship. But thanks for your kind words of encouragement and support.



To Jose: Thanks for your honest opinion. I can see your point and understand where you are coming from. I am trying my best to cope now although I am have a rollercoaster ride with these messed up emotions and confusion over which to believe more, him being a jackass or a sweetheart.


To ClearBlueWater: Yea, I know time is vital to weigh how much one knows each other but then again I stand firm that as long as its sincere, even one day or less than 4 months would be enough to know alot about another person. And this is because I see him everyday, so I guess it should count for something, although there might still be debates over quality or quantity of time spent together while in a relstionship.


To ACMILAN: Well, my mother knew him before I did, as she was already at the yoga centre before I joined under her encouragement to take up a healthy hobby instead of staying at home and wasting my time with online games and not getting any exercise.

She adored my Indian boyfriend and I could tell she was actually eager to see the 2 of us together as she felt he was accomplished and disciplined and hardworking ( great attributes for a good husband for me, and a son-in-law for her). To be honest, I wasn't interested in him before but when he began to show signs of interest in me and after I began to know him better, I felt a pull of attraction towards him, despite my initial hesitation (he is almost half a head shorter than me) and I always felt a guy had to be at least my height before I would consider him "compatible" with me on a superficial level.

Yes, I feel somewhere in my heart that he deeply cared for me but because of his own strong principles and tradition he decided to choose to end our relationship. I would love to try and be open with him and have a deep and sincere and calm conversation, but he isn't willing to because the last time (2 months ago) I tried talking to him, we had a huge "showdown" i.e me sobbing and yelling at him because he refused to talk and kept giving annoying answers like " because I don't feel like talking" or "I don't want to talk because i just don't want to talk". It's frustrating when I'm willing to be bare and upfront while he continued to build this brick wall around him and refusing to give any clear reason other than " just because" for why he is acting this way.


To Henry123: I appreciate your contribution as well, and I guess more people feel that he was "using" me instead of truly caring for me. I still don't know which is more likely the truth.

To the rest: Thank you for your opinions, it helps me get an idea of how this issue could go either ways.

I just recalled a song he used to sing to me and I find it really sweet.

"Tujhe dekha to yeh jaana sanam
Pyaar hota hai deewana sanam
Tujhe dekha to yeh jaana sanam...."

I'd tell him not to sing (because he tends to sing out of tune lol) but he'd sing even louder.

Pardon my randomness....

I wish you the best xtin77. I hope you stay on the board. I dont think there are alot of Singaporeans (or those of mix heritage) around but its welcome to have more on the board.

I'm not trying to be harsh and sorry to break it to you, but the guy is a looser,
i agree that he should respect his family above all else and that their traditions is important to them, but
the bottom line is that he knew this from the beginning, he knew that it would never work out (because of he's orthodox background)- and in spite him knowing the reality - he continued to use you and made empty promises to you. If he really loved you, he would put up a fight for you and at least try to make he's parents understand no matter how thick shelled his parents might seem. But he did even attempt to make them understand. ( in the end they probably would not agree, but he could at least try so that his compassion for you would be obvious). He don't even have the guts to confront his parents, so he got his brother to break the news.


The guy is only acting as if he did not know how his parents were, he knew full well.

There could be a possibility that he loves you, but i highly douthit- and only he knows the answer to that.
Anyway you take it, he is still a looser. You sound like a great girl.
Someone who makes you cry is not worth your tears, but someone who is worth them will not make you shed them.

I’m sorry but I’m just been straight up.
I suggest you forget him...or else u might end up getting more hurt.
You can't force him to fight a battle which he refuses to, so as hard as it may seem.
Move on...

I’d break off all ties with him, cause the more you see him, the deeper you’ll fall in love
And u know the rest




LOL if it was me, I’d not have anything to do with that guy after that episode.



too bad you can't go to jail for breaking some-body's heart

LOL

I would be in for 3 life sentences LOL



love has to be mutual. It does not appear so in this case

sorry

That's pretty interesting about your mum's role in all this. The fact that this was setup by her, that he showed your family a great deal of respect would suggest he wasn't there for a fling, or at least not intentionally.

You might say his principles were strong with his dedication to his family, and some will agree. Others would say he was weak for not even attempting to defend you (as Mona described him, a loser), which again you've agreed with, or rather accepted to be a possibility. To me your conflicted feelings on this matter and your emotions are confusing you, causing you to act and react unreasonably.

Your reaction to his responses when you tried to talk to him before also make it clear that you're acting out of emotion (which is natural and completely understandable). But, chances aren't great he'll respond the way you hope if you do that, and the more you lose your self control, the worse the situation gets, and the last time it resulted in you yelling a crying. Additionally, high emotional responses will also drive him away more and more (e.g. when you cried in public and he feared for his job).

If or when you talk to him, you must try hard to keep control during the conversation. He doesn't seem a total jerk, as he did seem to care when he said the "truth" to you and did attempt to try and console you (looks like naivity on his part there, he shouldn't have attempted to console you as he wouldn't be able to).

In the end though, you have to think about it what you feel, what you want, how you want to proceed considering the situation and you need trust your own judgement, because out of all of us, and probably out of anyone you know, you know him best and you're most likely to know what you need to do with a little rational thought. We here can give opinions, but really how useful are our suggestions, I mean we're talking about people that don't know this guy at all, they (and me) don't really know you either and we don't know the whole story, so though we can say all this stuff, it's essentially little more than random guessing and opinions brought about from personal experiences. I think you have the answer in you, you just haven't found it (or possibly admitted to it) yet.

xtin, I can feel your pain but this is how Indian families work. Inter-marriage with people who aren't of the same background is generally accepted in my family(it more or less comes with life in the US) as long as they are educated, are of good character, and they respect and are willing to participate in our culture. We all know not to bring home someone that our family might not accept.

AGREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he knew his family would never accept you.

He is a loser ! and i think she should ignore him, she is making him feel too important.

He was only in for a ride.

Someone who messed with my feelings like that, I'd not even wanna be friends with them. (much less think about there could be a possibility of relationship).

And there is no sense she keeps on wondering whether or not the guy really loved her or not.
He has made up he's mind and that is not to be with her and by letting others think for him. He can’t think for himself because he is a coward.
So why spend time baffling over him- its not gonna benefit her, its only gonna make her shed more tears.

On the other hand.
If she was wise, she'd ignore him and stop showing weakness- if he really love her - once she starts acting as she is over him and that he does not exist- u'd see how fast the guy flies back to her (begging for forgiveness ).

Because sometimes people don't know what they have until they loose it, and once you make someone feel too important they might start taking you for granted. He is ignoring you, then play the game and ignore him too and see the result.

She shouldn't have be chasing him.
It should be the other way around.

No, you're assuming he's a loser from the posts you read here. You don't even know him, so there's no way you can know what he's like, and we're not even aware of his side of the story. In fact, one of my points was her reactions won't help the matter, and you have to consider how he might feel when the xtin is crying in public, and quite importantly, possibly risking his job (again, I reiterate I don't condemn her reaction, but it didn't help the matter).

Her ignoring him and him coming back to her wouldn't show his love for her, it would show lust or desire, because he wants something "he can't have" or "has lost". Playing games like that is pure bs imo, a relationship isn't a game and ultimately such plans usually backfire in the long run. If he can't appreciate her when he's with her, then there was no point in all this from the beginning.

I also didn't say she should chase him (I didn't even imply it), I simply said she should be the one to figure out how to proceed, because we're not really in a place to give justified suggestions on the matter, only giving opinions as people ignorant to the situation.

Race is a farce, the real differences b/w ppl are cultural.

ok i am going from what she have here, if a person thinks that some of my insight about him is not gonna be negative - then don't tell about him.
From what she write, he sounds like a looser to me and he does not deserve her. And my opinion will not change, and it’s ok to have an opinion. This is reality and not all opinions are gonna sound like a bunch of roses.
If you red my post u'd notice that i stated that i dont know him. So don't try to make it seems as if i definitely said my opinion is a fact.

And when i say she should ignore him, i meant she should permanently ignore the looser- not ignore just for the sake of getting him back.

And besides sometimes it takes a good lesson for people to really understand how important something was.


Edit ok after reading over your post i see that u think i was directing certain things to u, i wasn't directing anything at you, i just pressed reply so i could answer to the topic itself. some misunderstanding i see ...

I did not say you said she is chasing him or thought u implied it, i was not even directing that comment to you. I just happened to press reply, that whole paragraph was not even directed at you. So no sweats
i did not even read all of your paragraph to even direct anything to u.

My friend is studying in singapore & hes 21, wanna give him a shot? lol

That's precisely the point, we're giving opinions based on information that we see here and that alone, but that information is limited and most probably skewed, so our opinions aren't necessarily correct and in the end of little value to her.

Where did you mention you didn't know him? And even then, you repeatedly call him a loser which cancels that out. How can you call someone you don't know a loser to begin with? You say from what she wrote he sounds a loser and took her for a ride. However, this again is an opinion that's founded on very, VERY little evidence (which I'd say at this point is insinuating quite the opposite) from what will be a single perspective. We don't know him, we only know her side of the story and there's one important element you've failed to consider, that she clearly likes him, as do the other people she's mentioned in her post (i.e. her mum). The fact he is capable of getting such love and respect from those around him suggests he isn't simply a loser (he could be cruel, but I refuse to label him as such because I do not know him).

Ignoring him will not teach him a lesson, he has to figure out his feelings for her himself, and her forcing that matter is most likely to end badly. Even then there's no evidence to suggest he doesn't know how much he cares for her, and on the contrary, his actions suggest the opposite, as he's forcing himself to ignore her rather than be prepared to confront her, and he made a conscious effort to console her after the break up, so it's not likely he needs a "lesson".

I'm sorry Mona, irrespective of whether you were replying to me or not doesn't change the fact I disagree with you on this. I think you're being very unfair to the guy and are prematurely coming to conclusions based on xtin's posts, which simply cannot give the whole picture. This is why I keep saying she needs to figure this out, because we're not in a position to provide reliable advice. She seems nice and so I would like to support her (I know how tough times like these can be). Despite my disagreements with you, I do respect your posts

he is a loser
he lost her correct?

he is been unfair to her.


If u think we are in no position tell her anything, then you also stop replying to her post in to give her your advice , she ask for our opinions and that is what she will get.


ur too sweet.

and easy to get along with.

Hey guys, thanks for your opinions, regardless whether it is harsh or not. I appreciate it and it's true, I guess I have to make a choice to decide what I ultimately will in time come to believe, however as of now, my own emotions is battling with the logic or reasoning (might be right or wrong) in my head thus my coming here to furthur try to get insights form people who might shed some light and possibly let me see a clearer picture of the whole situation. But I understand the reality that this might bealmost impossible to analyse as we are not mind readers and can only base what we know on what we see or hear from other people.


Sorry for the late reply as I just finished work and rushed to do the yoga centre for my usual dose of exercise. Out of point, but yoga seriously does make me physically healthy although on a spiritual and emotional level it seems to be the opposite. At least I'm still getting some benefit out of this. Anyway, I saw him again as usual....nothing new except I tried to smile at him. His eyes are always looking at the ground or glazed over whenever I'm nearby, and I know he is trying to avoid looking at me incase he thinks he might be giving me false hope or risk getting a confrontation again, or maybe he might even (be a loser) be avoiding just because he is no longer interested in his "toy" and wants to kick me off his grid. Then again we'd never know, even I am clueless, I can only state the possibilities. I tried looking at his direction longer and in the end he could sense that it, so I guess he looked up, and when he saw my ready smile on my face ( my smile was intended in show I am at peace with him ), he gave a weak smile and trotted off.

I really miss him, even if it's mere friendship that I'm able to get, because I see how everyone else is able to talk and joke with him while I can only watch from a distance.

This whole thing can be a long story if I actually go into lengthy details, but I'd love to share as long as people are willing to bear with me and continue to provide opinions about it. Maybe you guys (maybe even me) will get a clearer perspective, even though I am giving my side of the story, I'm doing my best to make it as fair to him as well. Meaning I can only state what reactions he gives or the past things and deeds he's done and said to provide an idea of his character.

Thanx guys. Hope you guys don't get into a cyber-brawl cos of this. Thanks again.

My gosh, you really need a hug

reading what you wrote is really pissing me off seriously

How could he do that to you.
He is a jerk
This really angers me

I hate it when people play with someone feelings just to use the person.

Stop smiling with him please, ignore him too.
Yes he is the teacher, but you can still act as if you don't even see him, just act as if
you are only interested in the lesson. And when he is talking with others don't make any eye contact
with him, just talk with others too and make it seem as if you are contented. Also you don't need to explain
to him how much he has wounded your heart by leaving front prints of empty promises, I'm sure he is aware
of how he has hurt you, so he don't need to be reminded. So do not attempt to show any interest in him. Why worry over someone who is not showing any interest in you?
I know its hard but try to be strong.
Can you do that? at least try.
It will be for your own good.