My cousin is getting married in August. I found out that since her man, whom lives in MN, didn't send anyone to her parents' house, in OK, to tell them that she ran off, will cause the 'negotiation' to be much harder for him and his side.

My question is, can anybody explain the entire process of asking a Hmong lady's/girl's parents for her hands down to the actual marriage itself?

My dad actually is a mekong - people from MN all the way to SC comes down south to ask him to be their mekong! However, as knowledgeable about Hmong weddings as my dad is, I won't ask him about it - he has been bugging me about marriage these 4 years now.

Anyhow, any information/experiences will be greatly appreciated.

Why not just ask your dad about it, since he is mekong. He'll tell you what you'll need to you.

I wish I could, but every time the topic of marriage is brought up and I'm around - he just ends up making it personally about me, and then he gets extremely upset and possibly even angry.

A couple of weeks ago he called me to drive 2 hours to where my parents live to have a meeting about marrying. I worked that weekend, so I couldn't go at that time, but from what my mom tells me, he said he'll just have the meeting with me when I go there for my cousin's wedding.

That isn't so bad because you don't have it bad at all. So, talk about it at the meeting.

I'll break it down for you from what i know.

1. within 2 days of the girl being "stolen" (of course the word for marriage LITERALLY means BUY, hence the STEALING of the bride) the groom and daughter must come and sleep at the parents house.

2. the night before the wedding is mostly talks about the price of the wife.

3. its not officially recognized that they are married UNTIL the bride and groom leaves the wedding with all MONEY Paid in full or whatever they negotiated.

Take some advice from a married man...


My Expereience
When I was about to marry my wife, my father advised me with two (2) options:

Option 1 - The "right" way
1) Gather my uncles, heads of household, and mekong.
2) Go to the girl's parents home.
3) Ask for her hand in marriage.
4) Negotiate and Pay.
5) Have wedding.
6) Leave with your wife.

Option 2- The "wrong" way
1) Bring girl home.
2) Contact her parents.
3) Gather my uncles, heads of household, and mekong.
4) Negotiate and Pay.
5) Have wedding.
6) Leave with your wife.


The right way
Obviously, the first option is the traditional option. It meant that you respected the parents and would marry their daughter according to their desires and regulations. This way, they would retain respect and honor. And they wouldn't lose face. By going with option 1, you state that their daughter is worthy of your asking. That you respect them and are asking them before you take their daughter away. It's what every traditional Hmong parents desire.

The other way
Option two came about due to the fact that poor men didn't have the money or balls to do the right thing, so they would kidnap or persuade the girl to go home with them. Once they've taken the girl home with them, they've stained her reputation and she can't go back home. She'll be looked upon as a used product. Therefore, they are pretty much garaunteed her hand in marriage. And her parents will basically have to give her away whether they like it or not. Back in the old days, cheap men (usually older men) would choose option 2 so that they could get ANY girl they wanted and negotiate the price as they saw fit. This was the cunning way to go about it. This is how a lot of men end up with multiple wives. Of course, some parents are greedy, and they'd give away their daughters for money any day. That's another story.

Your cousin should have stuck with option 1 if he wanted to be respectful to his in-laws. But, oh well. Too late now. Her parents won't get the same respect, pride, and honor. But, they may not even care. Depends on the parents. If they just want money money money, then I guess it doesn't matter.

You see I could see this as a double edged sword. You state "The Right Way" and "The Wrong Way." In the right way your basically describing what you should do. Any man of morals will go talk to the brides father. In the wrong way you describe it as the older or less fortunate having to be more cunning. I could see where it would be valid in some cases. I will give an example. An upper class Hmong male waiting to do the right thing. While the less fortunate Hmong male working two jobs and putting himself through college would have to cut corners. Reasons for this would be knowing that his competition has an unfair advantage. So I would applaud this tactic. It's cunning after all. And that's what wins a battle.

I dont know your background or anything but the real way is kidnapping. For a guy to go ask ask the girls hand in marriage with the parents usually means that the girl does not want to marry the guy. this usually cost a lot of $$$ because people are greedy. Second, asking the girl to marry you is like saying she is better then you so later on in life she will say "DONT FORGET YOU BEGGED ME TO MARRY YOU, BETTER LISTEN TO ME OR ILL LEAVE".


the stealing of the bride is the traditional way because mostly, the girl goes with guy ( sometimes she is forced) thus the price of the wife is a lot lower. Secondly, most married woman would say they rather go with the guy (unless they think they are so worthy more then the guy).

stealign the girl has nothign to do with balls. just ask your parents if your mom followed your dad? 90% of hmong marriages are the girl goes with the guy. the other 10% are the guys asking for the girl hand in marriage because the girl doestn like the guy.

Ok, maybe I need to explain the difference between formal tradition and common practice.

Let me explain. There is a difference between what the "formal tradition" is and what has taken place as "common practice".

You may find it "common practice" that most of the married couples you know, came about through the "stealing" of a girl. Maybe this is how your parents got together. And, to be honest, that is how most Hmong men decided to do it. Most men in Laos/Thailand/Vietnam didn't have money (or pigs/cows/chickens). The poor outnumbered the rich. So, for the most part, it became accepted as the norm. But, is it the formal tradition? Nope. Absolutely not. There is one concept that you are missing out on here that our forefathers held onto dearly:

The Sacredness of a Girl's Virginity

When you "steal" a girl, you've done one of the most horrendous things you could do to a girl's reputation in a Hmong community. Even if you've never even touched a hair on her head, you've socially de-flowered her. She is no longer pure in the eyes of the community. And I appreciate that in the traditional Hmong culture. They ACTUALLY respected a girl's virginity. Wow! You don't see that every day, now do you? Somehow we've lost these ideals of purity in our culture (and even as a society of human beings, but that's another topic for another day).

Go back and ask your parents. Ask a mekong. They know the traditions. They'll tell you the truth. Ask them what the "most honorable/respectful" way is. If they know the true cultural traditions, then they will tell you that "stealing" your wife is not it.

My personal experience:
When I married my wife, I did it the "traditional" way. I took my dad/uncle/mekong to their house and asked respectfully. Of course, it was easy. My wife loved me and I loved her. They kind of knew it would happen. Her parents were very reasonable. They only asked for the typical $5,000. And on top of that, they threw a huge wedding party for us, a car for my wife, some $$$, and blankets (lol, OG's always give blankets) to go with it. So, in the end, I came out on top. I practically didn't have to pay a dime. It was pretty cheap if you ask me.

Anyways, it is debatable because common practices have changed so much, especially since the Hmong introduction to America. Heck, we don't even practice half (probably not even a quarter) of the traditions our parents practiced. Do you go to your girlfriends house and knock on their walls and speak to them in song with a flute? I doubt it. And if you did, your neighbors would probably call the cops on you.

Besides, you're Americans now. You can run off and get married in Las Vega by an Elvis look-alike preacher if you'd like. And honestly, there isn't a thing anyone can say or do about it



Doesn't matter which way you decide to get married, whether by asking, stealing, or a good ole' American wedding. Just remember that marriage is sacred. It's supposed to be a lasting bond. Tradition or no tradition, marry someone you love and can tolerate to live with the rest of your life. That's all that matters. I just don't want to see a thread on here about someone divorcing their spouse over stupid stuff.

Thank you all very much - you all really helped me understand it more.

Population1, I have decided that I will ask my father this weekend about it after all.