I been married to my wife for very close to 3 years. We dated for 2 years and were engaged for 2 years. So, we've been together for a total of 7 years. Now, it does appears certain that we are moving towards divorce. My wife is korean american and I am vietnamese american. We have no children and two dogs.
This will be a sad story but I know that it is not uncommon . About 5 weeks ago, my wife and I began to have serious issues in our marriage i.e., my wife expressed her unhappiness with me and resented our marriage and our family. At the recent age of 31, she now desires a life free of responsibility and commitment: "I want to do WHAT I what to do, WHEN I want to do it, and with WHOEVER I want to do it!!". "I do not want to report to anybody else but myself." She tells me that she married me 3 years ago because it was her social responsiblity. She now questions whether or not she ever loved me and is "confused as to what love is". Ultimately, she "no longers wants to be a wife" and "never wants to ever be a wife". She is abandoning her husband, loving dogs, and supporitve in-laws for a life of drinking, smoking, and partying...all at the age of 31. She "wants to transition to her singe life and to rekindle her lost friendships". She also said "I am selfish!! and I don't care how anybody else feels now except for me." I was devastated to hear all of these words from my wife. I admit that upon reflection many of the clues where there for her "midlife crisis" [licensed marriage family therapist's diagnosis]. Everything that she loved before, she now resents and has completely disconnected from emotionally. I love her so very much but despite my best efforts I cannot save her. My ultimate solution is to grant her the freedom she so desires in hopes that she will be able to sort out her life, feeelings, etc. and find happiness.
According the therapist and many other slightly older woman who have had the same feelings, this type of behavior is caused by the traditional patriachal family upbringing that is rooted in parental control and respect during childhood. Actually, she told me that "my father controlled me as a child and now you control me as an adult". In Korean, I think this is referred to as "samjong childo": "the rule of the three-fold obedience" which means "obedience to the father in childhood, to the husband during marriage, and to the son in old age." She has been under this type of influence as a result of her childhood and so now she is rebelling because she never discovered her self-hood.Also the therapist she that at around the age of 30, it's common for women to undergo much transformation in how they view life and so this behavior can be expected.
This is the most painful time in my life with much heartache. To see my wife undergo this siginficant life transition and the only way to help her is to let her go, is truly a helpless feeling. The therapist who I've been speaking with (she's really great) saids this type of behavior ususally lasts about 1 year. What should I do?? Maybe it is wishful thinking, but I know that my wife's "true self" is still there, although it is buried deep. Also I am trying to understand the choices my wife is making but it's really very difficult. She is abandoning her family for a single life that likely will be associated with excessive drinking, smoking, and inappropriate behavior for the good girl that my wife is.
I am trying to understand what my wife is going through and more importantly to accept it. For the first time in 7 years, I have to start thinking about myself. I have my responsbilities at work and now my home responsibility is to care for our dogs that she left behind.
Sorry for such a depressing topic. Does anyone have similar experiences they would feel comfortable sharing, either publically here in this forum or privately?
Full Version: Marriage and....Divorce
I think as a woman I can understand where your wife is coming from... I also grew up in a strict way and obeyed father and mother, then got married and obeyed the husband... so I understand that. I cannot say much since I do not know both sides of the story.... there are always two sides, maybe you are controlling, I dont know that. So all I can say is let her go... I know that is the worst thing you can hear someone say however its the truth. Let her find out how good she has it with you. Because I will tell you, as a single woman who is your wifes age. Its an ugly world out there, maybe she needs to find that out. Im sorry for what you are going through.... Love is a killer.
QUOTE (mastaping @ May 11 2011, 10:34 AM) 
I think as a woman I can understand where your wife is coming from... I also grew up in a strict way and obeyed father and mother, then got married and obeyed the husband... so I understand that. I cannot say much since I do not know both sides of the story.... there are always two sides, maybe you are controlling, I dont know that. So all I can say is let her go... I know that is the worst thing you can hear someone say however its the truth. Let her find out how good she has it with you. Because I will tell you, as a single woman who is your wifes age. Its an ugly world out there, maybe she needs to find that out. Im sorry for what you are going through.... Love is a killer.
thank you mastaping. i have to make a selfless decision and always put her happiness above me. since i love her so much, i have to let her go...
QUOTE (irapdo @ May 11 2011, 01:30 PM)
thank you mastaping. i have to make a selfless decision and always put her happiness above me. since i love her so much, i have to let her go...
This will make you alot stronger.... I hope things turn around for you...Please be patient right now and try and make yourself busy...I started taking martial arts when things were rough on me and it helped me so much....
QUOTE (irapdo @ May 11 2011, 08:59 AM)
I been married to my wife for very close to 3 years. We dated for 2 years and were engaged for 2 years. So, we've been together for a total of 7 years. Now, it does appears certain that we are moving towards divorce. My wife is korean american and I am vietnamese american. We have no children and two dogs.
This will be a sad story but I know that it is not uncommon . About 5 weeks ago, my wife and I began to have serious issues in our marriage i.e., my wife expressed her unhappiness with me and resented our marriage and our family. At the recent age of 31, she now desires a life free of responsibility and commitment: "I want to do WHAT I what to do, WHEN I want to do it, and with WHOEVER I want to do it!!". "I do not want to report to anybody else but myself." She tells me that she married me 3 years ago because it was her social responsiblity. She now questions whether or not she ever loved me and is "confused as to what love is". Ultimately, she "no longers wants to be a wife" and "never wants to ever be a wife". She is abandoning her husband, loving dogs, and supporitve in-laws for a life of drinking, smoking, and partying...all at the age of 31. She "wants to transition to her singe life and to rekindle her lost friendships". She also said "I am selfish!! and I don't care how anybody else feels now except for me." I was devastated to hear all of these words from my wife. I admit that upon reflection many of the clues where there for her "midlife crisis" [licensed marriage family therapist's diagnosis]. Everything that she loved before, she now resents and has completely disconnected from emotionally. I love her so very much but despite my best efforts I cannot save her. My ultimate solution is to grant her the freedom she so desires in hopes that she will be able to sort out her life, feeelings, etc. and find happiness.
According the therapist and many other slightly older woman who have had the same feelings, this type of behavior is caused by the traditional patriachal family upbringing that is rooted in parental control and respect during childhood. Actually, she told me that "my father controlled me as a child and now you control me as an adult". In Korean, I think this is referred to as "samjong childo": "the rule of the three-fold obedience" which means "obedience to the father in childhood, to the husband during marriage, and to the son in old age." She has been under this type of influence as a result of her childhood and so now she is rebelling because she never discovered her self-hood.Also the therapist she that at around the age of 30, it's common for women to undergo much transformation in how they view life and so this behavior can be expected.
This is the most painful time in my life with much heartache. To see my wife undergo this siginficant life transition and the only way to help her is to let her go, is truly a helpless feeling. The therapist who I've been speaking with (she's really great) saids this type of behavior ususally lasts about 1 year. What should I do?? Maybe it is wishful thinking, but I know that my wife's "true self" is still there, although it is buried deep. Also I am trying to understand the choices my wife is making but it's really very difficult. She is abandoning her family for a single life that likely will be associated with excessive drinking, smoking, and inappropriate behavior for the good girl that my wife is.
I am trying to understand what my wife is going through and more importantly to accept it. For the first time in 7 years, I have to start thinking about myself. I have my responsbilities at work and now my home responsibility is to care for our dogs that she left behind.
Sorry for such a depressing topic. Does anyone have similar experiences they would feel comfortable sharing, either publically here in this forum or privately?
This will be a sad story but I know that it is not uncommon . About 5 weeks ago, my wife and I began to have serious issues in our marriage i.e., my wife expressed her unhappiness with me and resented our marriage and our family. At the recent age of 31, she now desires a life free of responsibility and commitment: "I want to do WHAT I what to do, WHEN I want to do it, and with WHOEVER I want to do it!!". "I do not want to report to anybody else but myself." She tells me that she married me 3 years ago because it was her social responsiblity. She now questions whether or not she ever loved me and is "confused as to what love is". Ultimately, she "no longers wants to be a wife" and "never wants to ever be a wife". She is abandoning her husband, loving dogs, and supporitve in-laws for a life of drinking, smoking, and partying...all at the age of 31. She "wants to transition to her singe life and to rekindle her lost friendships". She also said "I am selfish!! and I don't care how anybody else feels now except for me." I was devastated to hear all of these words from my wife. I admit that upon reflection many of the clues where there for her "midlife crisis" [licensed marriage family therapist's diagnosis]. Everything that she loved before, she now resents and has completely disconnected from emotionally. I love her so very much but despite my best efforts I cannot save her. My ultimate solution is to grant her the freedom she so desires in hopes that she will be able to sort out her life, feeelings, etc. and find happiness.
According the therapist and many other slightly older woman who have had the same feelings, this type of behavior is caused by the traditional patriachal family upbringing that is rooted in parental control and respect during childhood. Actually, she told me that "my father controlled me as a child and now you control me as an adult". In Korean, I think this is referred to as "samjong childo": "the rule of the three-fold obedience" which means "obedience to the father in childhood, to the husband during marriage, and to the son in old age." She has been under this type of influence as a result of her childhood and so now she is rebelling because she never discovered her self-hood.Also the therapist she that at around the age of 30, it's common for women to undergo much transformation in how they view life and so this behavior can be expected.
This is the most painful time in my life with much heartache. To see my wife undergo this siginficant life transition and the only way to help her is to let her go, is truly a helpless feeling. The therapist who I've been speaking with (she's really great) saids this type of behavior ususally lasts about 1 year. What should I do?? Maybe it is wishful thinking, but I know that my wife's "true self" is still there, although it is buried deep. Also I am trying to understand the choices my wife is making but it's really very difficult. She is abandoning her family for a single life that likely will be associated with excessive drinking, smoking, and inappropriate behavior for the good girl that my wife is.
I am trying to understand what my wife is going through and more importantly to accept it. For the first time in 7 years, I have to start thinking about myself. I have my responsbilities at work and now my home responsibility is to care for our dogs that she left behind.
Sorry for such a depressing topic. Does anyone have similar experiences they would feel comfortable sharing, either publically here in this forum or privately?
How is your relationship in general? Is it 50-50, 60-40 M/F - meaning you support her more finanacially and as head of the house? or as her Korean father says she is obedient to your desires as husband and man of the house?
Are one of you seeing some one else [cheating] out of your marriage? Did you discuss having children together or is this something she want to avoid pregnancy? I have to ask these questions as I hope my relationship might hit the 7 year itch or lead to separation too. But I think all relationships has its ups and downs and you and her have to seek some common ground and compromise together if you want to stick together and have a family for the long run. 
QUOTE (FutureMan @ May 12 2011, 07:08 AM)
How is your relationship in general? Is it 50-50, 60-40 M/F - meaning you support her more finanacially and as head of the house? or as her Korean father says she is obedient to your desires as husband and man of the house? Are one of you seeing some one else [cheating] out of your marriage? Did you discuss having children together or is this something she want to avoid pregnancy? I have to ask these questions as I hope my relationship might hit the 7 year itch or lead to separation too. But I think all relationships has its ups and downs and you and her have to seek some common ground and compromise together if you want to stick together and have a family for the long run.
Are one of you seeing some one else [cheating] out of your marriage? Did you discuss having children together or is this something she want to avoid pregnancy? I have to ask these questions as I hope my relationship might hit the 7 year itch or lead to separation too. But I think all relationships has its ups and downs and you and her have to seek some common ground and compromise together if you want to stick together and have a family for the long run. thanks much for your questions futureman. i've actually never quantified our relationship before so i am thinking through this now...We both financially support each other equally. We're trained in the same profession but work in different disciplines. I am absolutely not cheating - my wife is everything to me, and I do not see the need to seek either emotional or physcial support from anyone else. I trust my wife and I know my wife is a person of high integrity and would not cheat either. Clearly, I would not know absolutely but that is not the person who she is. My wife might be seeking outlets with male friend(s) during this vulnerable and difficult time but to me that is not cheating. It may be a way of helping herself remain sane, positive, and possibly boosting her self-esteem.
Yes, we have discussed having children. She really wanted a girl
We were just waiting for the right time, in maybe a year or possibly two. Then, this situation came up and of course the future with children was no more. It's sad because I was really feeling like this was the right time to grow our family and was planning on surprising her with this news only a few weeks ago...I hope that you are successful and can get through the 7 year marriage itch. I agree with you that marriage/relationships have ups and downs. As you know marriage is about 2 people and the marriage will not be successful if only 1 person is willing to try and work through the issues and the other person is not. What's your situation? What feelings do you have at the 7 year itch? -- lack of love?, boredom?, stress?, unhappiness?
I am glad you moved the post over here and started getting some responses.
Like Mastaping, I know that feeling of being imprisoned by society's expectations, though my experience with it was thankfully very brief. Hopefully with fewer young women going straight from their father's household to a husband, it will be less common. Never having been on their own can make a person very restless, even miserable, as they discover a taste of independence and their new capabilities in the workplace. Though women your wife's age experience this regularly, most men don't. And when the woman has a strong and confident self image, the urge to experience independence for the first time can be overwhelming. But out of guilt, fear of failure or lack of opportunity, most women just endure the agony and eventually settle for things as they have always been.
But others realize that the once chance to change their life is now and they are driven to make a break for freedom. Futureman's question and your response about children may have highlighted what spurred your wife to act, though it was not the reason for her wanting to leave. The realization may have been that she was facing a choice that had to be made and could not be reconsidered or delayed. She had to chose motherhood or freedom. Once she was a mother, the other dream would have to abandonned; so she is choosing the dream while is it still in her grasp.
It is quite possible that her choices and her dreams have nothing at all to do with you beyond the fact that being married to someone - anyone - is in the way. It may very well be that the anger she is displaying is only because there is an obstacle in front of her.
I would say, don't fight it. Let her go before any more resentment builds. If you are sure you can accept her back without recriminations after she makes this change in her life, let her know, but do not push her. This way if she finds out it was not what she expected and has regrets, she may come back. Just don't expect it. She will have as much emotional turmoil over coming back as she seems to be having over leaving.
Like Mastaping, I know that feeling of being imprisoned by society's expectations, though my experience with it was thankfully very brief. Hopefully with fewer young women going straight from their father's household to a husband, it will be less common. Never having been on their own can make a person very restless, even miserable, as they discover a taste of independence and their new capabilities in the workplace. Though women your wife's age experience this regularly, most men don't. And when the woman has a strong and confident self image, the urge to experience independence for the first time can be overwhelming. But out of guilt, fear of failure or lack of opportunity, most women just endure the agony and eventually settle for things as they have always been.
But others realize that the once chance to change their life is now and they are driven to make a break for freedom. Futureman's question and your response about children may have highlighted what spurred your wife to act, though it was not the reason for her wanting to leave. The realization may have been that she was facing a choice that had to be made and could not be reconsidered or delayed. She had to chose motherhood or freedom. Once she was a mother, the other dream would have to abandonned; so she is choosing the dream while is it still in her grasp.
It is quite possible that her choices and her dreams have nothing at all to do with you beyond the fact that being married to someone - anyone - is in the way. It may very well be that the anger she is displaying is only because there is an obstacle in front of her.
I would say, don't fight it. Let her go before any more resentment builds. If you are sure you can accept her back without recriminations after she makes this change in her life, let her know, but do not push her. This way if she finds out it was not what she expected and has regrets, she may come back. Just don't expect it. She will have as much emotional turmoil over coming back as she seems to be having over leaving.
QUOTE (irapdo @ May 12 2011, 08:48 AM)
thanks much for your questions futureman. i've actually never quantified our relationship before so i am thinking through this now...We both financially support each other equally. We're trained in the same profession but work in different disciplines. I am absolutely not cheating - my wife is everything to me, and I do not see the need to seek either emotional or physcial support from anyone else. I trust my wife and I know my wife is a person of high integrity and would not cheat either. Clearly, I would not know absolutely but that is not the person who she is. My wife might be seeking outlets with male friend(s) during this vulnerable and difficult time but to me that is not cheating. It may be a way of helping herself remain sane, positive, and possibly boosting her self-esteem.
Yes, we have discussed having children. She really wanted a girl We were just waiting for the right time, in maybe a year or possibly two. Then, this situation came up and of course the future with children was no more. It's sad because I was really feeling like this was the right time to grow our family and was planning on surprising her with this news only a few weeks ago...
I hope that you are successful and can get through the 7 year marriage itch. I agree with you that marriage/relationships have ups and downs. As you know marriage is about 2 people and the marriage will not be successful if only 1 person is willing to try and work through the issues and the other person is not. What's your situation? What feelings do you have at the 7 year itch? -- lack of love?, boredom?, stress?, unhappiness?
Yes, we have discussed having children. She really wanted a girl
We were just waiting for the right time, in maybe a year or possibly two. Then, this situation came up and of course the future with children was no more. It's sad because I was really feeling like this was the right time to grow our family and was planning on surprising her with this news only a few weeks ago...I hope that you are successful and can get through the 7 year marriage itch. I agree with you that marriage/relationships have ups and downs. As you know marriage is about 2 people and the marriage will not be successful if only 1 person is willing to try and work through the issues and the other person is not. What's your situation? What feelings do you have at the 7 year itch? -- lack of love?, boredom?, stress?, unhappiness?
Brother I don't think you should be ashamed if she decides to file for divorce from you, according to what you have been revealing about your relationship. I don't think there is a stigma anymore to divorces in Asian communities. Considering you have given about 90-110 percent of your love to her, you should feel no shame or failure on your part if you do eventually divorce. You can seek and love a woman of your own background beautiful Viet female who shares your common values and desires to start a family with children. As for me it is a bit complicates since my GF has been demanding of me and we just got into a disagreement just now. I am busting my @ss trying to work and get money for a good {cheap} plane ticket to see her in Jakarta Indonesia. If she decides to break up with me for good, I will persue this other beauty female friend I know who wants to be with me and have a family together.
I think your wife is having her mid-life crisis.
She wants to do all those things she didn't get a chance to do???
But, that is "my life is short so I must make myself happy"
and "the grass is greener on the other side" ...
They are only excuses.
My meaning ... and it is not to be cruel ...
She doesn't love you anymore.
When one person doesn't want to be a couple,
that usually breaks it up regardless of how the other feels.
Obviously, you care very deeply for her.
You feel you have to do what it takes to make her happy.
Good. Be glad you don't have kids.
Now, you go out and have some fun too.
I know your feelings and everything else will not let you enjoy right now.
But, her time of freedom also means your time to start over again.
You're going to have to find someone new
Cuz, you can't wait for her to come back to you .. she may never return
So, time to contact some friends and live.
I've been married for 15 years.
Love means you want to be with the person of your desires.
Marriage means working with the one you love to achieve common goals.
(buying a house, having babies and raising children, learning about each other)
She doesn't love you and your marriage can't continue.
It is time to put some sad songs on and sing the blues
Next year this time you should be meeting woman can love you for you.
Then maybe, you'll get married again???
My advice:
Don't be sad. It isn't your fault.
You can only move on with your life.
Good luck.
She wants to do all those things she didn't get a chance to do???
But, that is "my life is short so I must make myself happy"
and "the grass is greener on the other side" ...
They are only excuses.
My meaning ... and it is not to be cruel ...
She doesn't love you anymore.
When one person doesn't want to be a couple,
that usually breaks it up regardless of how the other feels.
Obviously, you care very deeply for her.
You feel you have to do what it takes to make her happy.
Good. Be glad you don't have kids.
Now, you go out and have some fun too.
I know your feelings and everything else will not let you enjoy right now.
But, her time of freedom also means your time to start over again.
You're going to have to find someone new
Cuz, you can't wait for her to come back to you .. she may never return
So, time to contact some friends and live.
I've been married for 15 years.
Love means you want to be with the person of your desires.
Marriage means working with the one you love to achieve common goals.
(buying a house, having babies and raising children, learning about each other)
She doesn't love you and your marriage can't continue.
It is time to put some sad songs on and sing the blues
Next year this time you should be meeting woman can love you for you.
Then maybe, you'll get married again???
My advice:
Don't be sad. It isn't your fault.
You can only move on with your life.
Good luck.
QUOTE (Taln @ May 12 2011, 03:46 PM)
I am glad you moved the post over here and started getting some responses.
Like Mastaping, I know that feeling of being imprisoned by society's expectations, though my experience with it was thankfully very brief. Hopefully with fewer young women going straight from their father's household to a husband, it will be less common. Never having been on their own can make a person very restless, even miserable, as they discover a taste of independence and their new capabilities in the workplace. Though women your wife's age experience this regularly, most men don't. And when the woman has a strong and confident self image, the urge to experience independence for the first time can be overwhelming. But out of guilt, fear of failure or lack of opportunity, most women just endure the agony and eventually settle for things as they have always been.
But others realize that the once chance to change their life is now and they are driven to make a break for freedom. Futureman's question and your response about children may have highlighted what spurred your wife to act, though it was not the reason for her wanting to leave. The realization may have been that she was facing a choice that had to be made and could not be reconsidered or delayed. She had to chose motherhood or freedom. Once she was a mother, the other dream would have to abandonned; so she is choosing the dream while is it still in her grasp.
It is quite possible that her choices and her dreams have nothing at all to do with you beyond the fact that being married to someone - anyone - is in the way. It may very well be that the anger she is displaying is only because there is an obstacle in front of her.
I would say, don't fight it. Let her go before any more resentment builds. If you are sure you can accept her back without recriminations after she makes this change in her life, let her know, but do not push her. This way if she finds out it was not what she expected and has regrets, she may come back. Just don't expect it. She will have as much emotional turmoil over coming back as she seems to be having over leaving.
Like Mastaping, I know that feeling of being imprisoned by society's expectations, though my experience with it was thankfully very brief. Hopefully with fewer young women going straight from their father's household to a husband, it will be less common. Never having been on their own can make a person very restless, even miserable, as they discover a taste of independence and their new capabilities in the workplace. Though women your wife's age experience this regularly, most men don't. And when the woman has a strong and confident self image, the urge to experience independence for the first time can be overwhelming. But out of guilt, fear of failure or lack of opportunity, most women just endure the agony and eventually settle for things as they have always been.
But others realize that the once chance to change their life is now and they are driven to make a break for freedom. Futureman's question and your response about children may have highlighted what spurred your wife to act, though it was not the reason for her wanting to leave. The realization may have been that she was facing a choice that had to be made and could not be reconsidered or delayed. She had to chose motherhood or freedom. Once she was a mother, the other dream would have to abandonned; so she is choosing the dream while is it still in her grasp.
It is quite possible that her choices and her dreams have nothing at all to do with you beyond the fact that being married to someone - anyone - is in the way. It may very well be that the anger she is displaying is only because there is an obstacle in front of her.
I would say, don't fight it. Let her go before any more resentment builds. If you are sure you can accept her back without recriminations after she makes this change in her life, let her know, but do not push her. This way if she finds out it was not what she expected and has regrets, she may come back. Just don't expect it. She will have as much emotional turmoil over coming back as she seems to be having over leaving.
Taln: thanks for the thoughts! I must say that I totally agree with your assessment. I will certainly not make myself an obstacle to her freedom. I believe this is an experience that she needs to fulfill her her lifetime experience. She mentioned to me several times that she "does not know what she wants" so hopefully her transition from married life to single life will help her discover what she wants. Her decision, however, does not affect only her -- it affects many people who love and care for her deeply. So, she is risking a lot for her freedom and the opportunity to discover self-hood and consequently I truly hope she finds it. I love her tremendously, and I know this is something she must do on her own.
QUOTE (irapdo @ May 17 2011, 10:28 AM)
Taln: thanks for the thoughts! I must say that I totally agree with your assessment. I will certainly not make myself an obstacle to her freedom. I believe this is an experience that she needs to fulfill her her lifetime experience. She mentioned to me several times that she "does not know what she wants" so hopefully her transition from married life to single life will help her discover what she wants. Her decision, however, does not affect only her -- it affects many people who love and care for her deeply. So, she is risking a lot for her freedom and the opportunity to discover self-hood and consequently I truly hope she finds it. I love her tremendously, and I know this is something she must do on her own.
Well the situation sounded extrememly familiar. My ex was in your shoes, but had the benefit of someone who stepped into his life just in time to take my place, and they are celebrating their 14th anniversary this month. It cost me dearly, but it was the right move. However, I had been on my own for 10 years when we married so I probably had a better perspective of what I was facing.
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