An open letter to Sandara Park
Updated 09:47pm (Mla time) Jan 14, 2005
By James Gabrillo
Inquirer News Service
Editor's Note: Published on page F3 of the January 15, 2005 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer
Dear Ms Park,
S'up Sandara?
What's happening to your career?
A few months ago, you were the biggest star of that freaky talent search show on TV. You were charming crowds with your Korean blood and quirky behavior. The more those silly judges made you cry with their straight-from-the-cue-cards comments, the more we venerated you. You were the Meteor-Garden-to-happen we've been waiting for. You were the bizarre exchange student from Japan that we've been dreaming to hang out with. You were the immaculate bliss to the eyes of dirty old men who had a thing for Mary "Rosebud" Ong but wanted someone younger.
Now, Sandy (can we call you Sandy?--we love it! It's so beach!), look at you.
The last time we saw you on the tube, you had pigtail braids reminiscent of Maryanne from "Gilligan's Island," and you were singing for a shampoo commercial. Now we have nothing against aspiring singers, but Sandy, the vocals ain't cooperating. Plus your first single "In or Out" was rather "risky" (not to be confused with risqué, which it also was). We were nearly brought to tears. We haven't heard singing that cheesy since "American Idol's" Amy Adams.
Now here are some things you can do to revive your career:
Image change. Your "Children of the Corn" plastic Barbie blonde Molly Mormon attitude is getting superfluous--because every teen in show biz is like that! Go for something unspoiled. Go for surfer chick or aspiring head groupie or just-came-out-of-rehab.
Have an annoying laugh. That's the secret of Julia Roberts and Cameron D. Timberlake, so better create one of your own quick. To assure you loads of recall, our top suggestion would be a really disturbing chuckle that would remind everyone of the evil Toymaker from "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." A sure winner.
A new on-screen partner. Your current love team is forgettable--that Hero guy needs a haircut.
Try theater. Do provocative stuff like "Vagina Monologues" or "Rent." If all else fails, run to Trumpets and do "Fables and Parables." That show, Sandy, produces applause no matter how ridiculous the performance goes.
Go indie. Now this wouldn't pay much, but trust us that you'll earn respect from the artsy crowd. Call up Quark Henares ("Saging at Rambutan," "Keka") and shoot now!
Walk out. When you get nominated for Quark's piece which will probably be titled "I, She-Robot: Murderer from Cyprus," go to the awards night wearing an ostrich costume (a definite buzz maker). When they proclaim that you didn't win (it's gonna go to Vilma, duh), stand up and walk out. While strutting out of the ceremonies, scream loudly, "Me enormous! Meh! Meh! Os! Os! Trich! Meh! Yee! Yeedada-se!" Now we warn you, this plan will only succeed if the doer has extreme focus.
Look, Dara, we love you. That's why we're writing you this letter. Don't get mad at us. Don't brush this off because you think you're doing awesome with all the scheduled guestings for that noontime show. Say it out loud: I AM SANDY. MY CAREER IS GOING TO THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE. I SHALL DO BETTER AFTER READING THIS LETTER.
Or don't listen to us. So we can write funnier stuff about you!
Love,
James
James Gabrillo is a contributor of the Philippine Daily Inquirer
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